Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Christmas and Childlessness

We have entered the Advent season, preparing for the celebration of Christ's birth. As this is a time of joy and celebration for most, I am struggling again with social gatherings this Christmas season. Last year I was so filled with joy as we were beginning the adoption process. We were talking to lawyers and filling out paperwork. This year we are in the middle of the process with no deadlines and many unknowns plus my arms are still empty. This year is a mixed blessing. It is the first Christmas I will spend with my niece who is 18 months old, but I know my heart will ache watching her open presents and interact with her parents. Yesterday I bought Christmas gifts for my nephew who is also 18 months old.

Christmas and Mother's Day are the two holidays I really struggle with infertility. While the Virgin Mary had to deal with an unplanned pregnancy, I have to find my niche as a woman longing for a child while we celebrate the immaculate conception. The bible is full of stories of God blessing infertile women with pregnancy; it is hard to accept, at times, that my choices are adoption or being childless. I believe my husband and I have been called to adopt and pray the Lord will continue to bless us with family.

This Christmas may just take a bit more steel in my veins than past holidays. I find comfort watching family holiday shows such as "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas". The difficulty is in public gatherings that include Children - parades, church programs, family gatherings. At times solitary confinement is desirable, but not practicable.

This Christmas I pray for peace in my heart as I wait for our family blessing. May you find peace if you are dealing with infertility or loss of a loved one this holiday season. May joy fill your soul if you are blessed to spend time with family.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


Now that we have submitted our paperwork to Jamaica and USCIS, we are working through the DSHS parenting and first aid classes. After the first weekend of classes, my husband is wondering if we should stop the international adoption and continue to pursue adoption from foster care. This journey continues to reveal new insights about each of us. It is a mystery from where our children will come, the ages of our children, their race and the background.

With the stresses of work the past three weeks, I think about work-life balance and how I will or will not be able to handle home stress and work stress simultaneously. Counseling and finding relaxing outlets are not helping. I know work crises are not common, but they will occur. At times a work crisis will occur with a family crisis and I will need to deal with both then probably take a week long vacation after the crises are resolved.

During this adoption process and the work crises, there are days, like today, where surviving barely seems possible. Hiding under my desk at work seems to be as productive as I can be. I know there will be days that I feel like hiding after a difficult day at work and I will have to go home and give my children attention. I pray I have enough strength and grace to deal with life as trials occur.