We just passed Mother's Day 2015. Within the adoption world there has been a lot of discussion about how, and if, adoptive mothers should honor the biological/birth/first mothers. Adoptions have varying degrees of openness from very open like our relationship with L and the other maternal relatives of Junior to the completely closed adoptions where some children do not even know they are adopted. This year, my third Mother's Day celebrating my motherhood, I thought a lot about L and of her biological mother. Yes, Junior is second generation adoptee. L's adoption was a typical 1970s adoption - young mother placed baby through a religious organization, most likely few knew she was even pregnant. L knows the geographic location of her birth and approximate age of her biological mother. This is so unlike the relationship she, Junior, and I have which allows for very open and sharing communication. Junior knows his beginning, any questions he may ever have he can ask his bio mom, he knows who he looks like because we have contact and we have photos. L and I have formed a bond beyond friends, beyond sisters- we are both the mother of Junior. Junior knows he has two mothers and two fathers.
There are strong advocates for open adoption who passionately believe all adoptions should have some form of communication between the biological family and the adoptive family. Then there are some situations where open adoption is not feasible - international adoption or safe haven adoption where child has been abandoned, foster care adoption where it is unsafe to maintain contact with the biological family, or after adoption a biological relative may choose to no longer maintain contact. This is the case of Junior's biological father. After termination of his parental rights, Mr. chose to no longer maintain communication with Junior or with us. He may share DNA with my son and memories, but he has severed the relationship. We were willing to foster a redefined relationship for our son with his biological father as we have with Junior's biological mother. It saddens me that Mr. chose to end communication; maybe, someday we will re-establish communication.
We are grateful and blessed by the relationship we have with Junior's maternal relatives. As my mother says, "You can never have too many people to love you." Not only has Junior blossomed in this love-filled, open relationship, but so have J and D who joined us last year. As we add children and their biological family to our family, we end up not with a single family tree, but with a network of trees where the roots are connected, each tree depends on the others. Through love, communication, and relationship, we can all become better humans.
Showing posts with label biological family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label biological family. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Foster Care Open Adoption - Is it possible?
I am active in online adoption and foster care forums plus I am beginning to meet more people locally foster care arena. When I share our foster-adopt story, most are amazed at how open our adoption is compared with most foster care adoptions. Yes, we have a rare, extremely open, dynamic relationship with our son's maternal biological family, not just his biological mother. These relatives we treat as extended family members of our own family. They are welcome to visit us, we visit them, we exchanged contact information. Keeping these relationships going is healthy for our son.
We are also re-establishing Junior's relationship with his biological mother. While there are awkward moments, there are laughs and smiles from all of us. We two moms enjoy embarrassing our 14 year which is easy to do without trying, and he hasn't even started dating! While Mike and I have the privilege of raising Junior, we share video and photos on Facebook so all our "family" can keep up with his happenings. I keep in touch with his biological mother via email and text throughout the month. We provide her with a list of school events and she attends when she can considering we live several hours apart. As Junior matures, he will define and refine his relationship with his biological mother. His relationship with her will be different from his relationship with me, but we all realize he has two mothers, in fact he has several mother figures, women who have raised him through the years prior to him joining our family. They are all important. For Mother's Day we sent off six cards to women who are important to his life - biological and adoptive. For Father's Day we will send off four cards to men who are important to him.
For his biological family, not all members are genetically related. His mother was adopted so his mother and sister are biological, but all other members are not related by blood. Some are just related by marriages that have since dissolved, but the people are still important to Junior.
Just as any extended family, our family has expanded to include Junior's maternal family of origin whether they are genetic relatives, adoptive relatives, stepfamily, or just important people. Family is created through love and hard work and lots of prayer.
For Junior, the open adoption is beneficial. This year he has blossomed as an 8th grader! His grades are decent, he presented to several hundred people at a safety conference with his Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD) club, and he learned to play an instrument on a Tuesday then marched in the high school Marching Band on the following Saturday. He is a likable, funny, intelligent, caring, sometimes helpful son. Junior has adjusted well to joining our family and admits his nana (my mother) is zany.
No, my son does not thank me for adopting him or for providing for him, he is 14 years old. Most teens are not grateful for what is provided until they have to provide for themselves as adults. I am grateful to be his mom and that he still talks; I know many teenage boys who switch to grunting at about age 15. Oh, does the kid talk!
Yes, open foster care adoptions are possible and can work. No, they are not beneficial for every child being adopting from foster care. The amount of openness can vary tremendously from adoption to adoption. One case may be an exchange of annual letters without photos to PO boxes to a few letters, photos, and visits a year to a very open adoption like ours. The key is to consider the beneficial health, welfare, safety, and development of the child involved. Also, the openness can fluctuate over the years depending on how the child handles the development stages. There may be times that minimal contact is beneficial while other times more openness is better. We are navigating through our first year so we will see how the openness of our adoption will fluctuate as our son progresses through adolescence.
We are also re-establishing Junior's relationship with his biological mother. While there are awkward moments, there are laughs and smiles from all of us. We two moms enjoy embarrassing our 14 year which is easy to do without trying, and he hasn't even started dating! While Mike and I have the privilege of raising Junior, we share video and photos on Facebook so all our "family" can keep up with his happenings. I keep in touch with his biological mother via email and text throughout the month. We provide her with a list of school events and she attends when she can considering we live several hours apart. As Junior matures, he will define and refine his relationship with his biological mother. His relationship with her will be different from his relationship with me, but we all realize he has two mothers, in fact he has several mother figures, women who have raised him through the years prior to him joining our family. They are all important. For Mother's Day we sent off six cards to women who are important to his life - biological and adoptive. For Father's Day we will send off four cards to men who are important to him.
For his biological family, not all members are genetically related. His mother was adopted so his mother and sister are biological, but all other members are not related by blood. Some are just related by marriages that have since dissolved, but the people are still important to Junior.
Just as any extended family, our family has expanded to include Junior's maternal family of origin whether they are genetic relatives, adoptive relatives, stepfamily, or just important people. Family is created through love and hard work and lots of prayer.
For Junior, the open adoption is beneficial. This year he has blossomed as an 8th grader! His grades are decent, he presented to several hundred people at a safety conference with his Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD) club, and he learned to play an instrument on a Tuesday then marched in the high school Marching Band on the following Saturday. He is a likable, funny, intelligent, caring, sometimes helpful son. Junior has adjusted well to joining our family and admits his nana (my mother) is zany.
No, my son does not thank me for adopting him or for providing for him, he is 14 years old. Most teens are not grateful for what is provided until they have to provide for themselves as adults. I am grateful to be his mom and that he still talks; I know many teenage boys who switch to grunting at about age 15. Oh, does the kid talk!
Yes, open foster care adoptions are possible and can work. No, they are not beneficial for every child being adopting from foster care. The amount of openness can vary tremendously from adoption to adoption. One case may be an exchange of annual letters without photos to PO boxes to a few letters, photos, and visits a year to a very open adoption like ours. The key is to consider the beneficial health, welfare, safety, and development of the child involved. Also, the openness can fluctuate over the years depending on how the child handles the development stages. There may be times that minimal contact is beneficial while other times more openness is better. We are navigating through our first year so we will see how the openness of our adoption will fluctuate as our son progresses through adolescence.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
We are legal parents!
3 years, 1 month, and 13 days was our total time from first phone call made to DCFS to the time we stood in court to finalize the adoption. The first two years of our process was training and paperwork. I am now the proud owner of three 3-inch, 3-ring binders of paperwork. After the mountains of paperwork, the numerous phone calls, miles of emails, buckets of tears, frustrations, endless patience - Junior is now legally ours - forever and ever and ever!
Our adoption process:
2010
Yes, this zany teenager who loves to make faces, poke people, and whistle at all hours of the night, is our wonderful, forever son! Our son who has grown four inches in the twelve months since moving in with us and two shoe sizes. He has changed from a little boy to a young man during this year. We love him for who he is and are helping him to become the man for which God created him. While our son is now legally ours, I will continue to use the name "Junior" in my blog to protect his identity as best I can while posting his photos since this blog is open to the public, available to the world.
One of the proudest moments of our lives - all three of us being sworn in so we could agree to adopt Junior. The lawyer even asked Junior if he agreed to the adoption, even though it was not legally required. We had 15 people in the courtroom as witnesses to this event - family and friends who have supported us along the way. We had one of the largest groups ever to support a family adopting; only those the family wants in the courtroom are permitted. Our lawyer and even the judge were long time family friends. The judge grew up with my parents and with my husband's uncle. Another unique thing about our adoption witnesses, were the presence of Junior's biological mother and sister. It was a very special to have L and Sister celebrating the union of our two families.
After becoming a legal family, we enjoyed a celebratory breakfast at IHOP. Twelve people joined us for breakfast. Junior enjoyed the attention and the free ice cream sundae the IHOP staff presented him after his meal. Then it was back to my parents for an afternoon nap before a visit to the Benton Franklin County Fair where Junior enjoyed the carnival.
The next day we celebrated with more friends and family during the pool party and BBQ my parents hosted. Then we were off on a week-long vacation to Northwestern Washington enjoying cool mornings, warm afternoons, and some western Washington rain. Junior enjoyed spending time with my parents (his Nana and Papa D), two of my sisters, and my niece. We spent time with his biological family - Aunt, Great Aunt, Sister, Biological Mother, Grandma, Cousins, Papa W - and many others during the week. Activities included walks along Birch Bay; kayaking, rock climbing, water slides, swimming; visiting relatives; enjoying Peace Arch State Park; school supply shopping; exploring MindPort and Rocket Donuts; enjoying frozen yogurt, ice cream and candy; enjoying fresh caught and home cooked salmon by his cousin; and ending the week with another Adoption Party. This party was for Junior's biological family, childhood church family and longtime friends. He and two of his best friends got to spend time together, the first time in two years the three of them have been together. Junior is blessed to have so many people supporting him in so many places of the globe.
Now we settle into regular living after parties and celebrations. School begins this week and a new routine will set our life. We still have paperwork to do - new social security card, adding Junior to my insurance, updating medical and dental records with his name change and insurance data, and getting him a passport card so we can take him to/from Canada the next time we are in Blaine or Sumas. We already received the Adoption Decree, but we are waiting for his new birth certificate. An adopted child receives a new birth certificate with their new name that lists the adoptive parents as the parents. We have copies of Junior's original birth certificate which we believe is very important for helping him define who he is as he matures.
God will continue to guide us as we parent Junior and the Lord will guide Junior as we teach Junior His ways. For the first day of school he will proudly wear the cross presented to him by Grandma S as an adoption gift. He is finding his way to Christ; with love, security and patience, he will find the Ultimate Healer and Forgiver.
Ephesians 1:5 New Revised Standard
"He destined us for adoption as his children through Jesus Christ, according to the good pleasure of his will..."
We are all adopted by God.
Other scriptures that have gotten us through our journey have been:
- Daniel 2:21-23
- Exodus 15:2
- Habakkuk 2:3
- Isaiah 26:4
- Proverbs 2
- Psalms 9:1, 10, 39:7, 51
- Matthew 19:14
- Mark 5:3-16
- 1 Corinthians 13:13
- Romans 8:25
Our adoption process:
2010
- July 2010 - first call to DSHS about becoming foster-adopt parents
- October 2010 - began foster care classes
- December 2010 - finished foster care classes and began paperwork
- January 2011 - began fingerprints and background check process
- February 2011 - had fingerprints redone
- March 2011 - fingerprints lost in system then finally found, completed paperwork
- April 2011 - background checks completed/passed and foster licensor retires
- May 2011 - a different licensor re-assigned; first home study review with licensor
- June 2011 - second interview with licensor
- July 2011 - counselor talks with licensor, home study on hold while licensor is on vacation
- September 2011 - licensed foster parents; and begin adoption home study
- December 2011 - adoption home study approved!
- January 2012 - try registering with adoption websites, begin struggle with state
- February 2012 - forced by state to transfer case to private agency in order to adopt; our regional DCFS office will not place foster children in our home or work with us because we want to adopt
- March 2012 - begin adoption home study process all over again with Bethany Christian Services
- May 2012 - begin home study interviews and inspection
- June 2012 - fingerprinted twice, complete home study interviews
- July 2012 - adoption home study complete and foster license transferred to private agency
- August 2012 - we learn about Junior in another region of the state, plan is adoption
- August 18, 2012 - first foster placement - Junior moves in
- November 2012 - state changes plan from adoption to concurrent adoption and reunification
- March 2013 - biological mother agrees to relinquish her parental rights
- April 2013 - biological father's parental rights terminated; biological mother's relinquishment signed
- May 2013 - biological mother's relinquishment filed with court and rights terminated; Open Adoption Agreement between us and biological mother filed with court; post-placement report sent to adoption lawyer and DCFS
- June 2013 - Junior becomes legally free; adoption paperwork processed
- July 2013 - we sign adoption papers and court date assigned for finalization
- August 2013 - state signs adoption papers and sends them to our lawyer
- August 23, 2013 - adoption finalized!!!!!!
- August 23, 2013 - received adoption decree
- September 2013 - we live as family
Friday, August 16, 2013
Emotions of an Open Adoption
I am dealing with a slew of emotions at the moment. Excitement is pulsating through me as I await Junior's adoption finalization, day by day. We have seven days left of this phase of our journey then we begin the rest of our lives. At the same time I acknowledge the bitter sweetness experienced by Junior's biological mother as Mike and I become Junior's legal parents. She is supportive of the adoption and our roles as parents, but there is still that sense of loss for her, the might have been that will never be. She will always be his biological mother, but now I am Mom. Her pain might be similar to the emptiness I have experienced the last few years, touched with a twinge of jealousy as she watches another woman raise her son. She decided to trust us to raise her son when she made her decision to relinquish her parental rights. Relinquishing also gave her the opportunity for an open adoption.
Our adoption is a rather open adoption which is a rarity in a foster care adoption. Typically there is some contact between the foster-adopt family and the biological family, but letters are exchanged through secured PO boxes or emails and visits are once or twice a year. We have an agreement for one exchange of photos a year and four visits, but we expect more contact than that. Even though the adoption has not been finalized, we have maintained contact with his biological mother including some supervised visits. We have open contact with his sister, grandmother, aunts and cousins. It has been beneficial for Junior for us to integrate his biological family into our family - sharing holidays together, spending time together, building memories. He is so excited to have my sisters and parents meet more of his relatives later this month to celebrate his adoption.
With our great joy of adoption, I am supporting my best friend through in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments. She and her husband have tried for several years now to conceive and this is their first IVF cycle. I have supported her every step of the way - the joy, the disappointment, and the anxiety that comes with each test, each procedure, each step of this very scientific method of creating a baby, hopefully. Now we wait for a positive pregnancy test. We are praying for joyful news when the time comes, but I will be her support should this cycle fail and her dreams are dashed once again. Due to her treatment cycle and doctor appointments and our schedules, she has not met Junior in the year he has been with us. Yes, I want my best friend to meet my son, one of the joys of my life, my sunshine. If the IVF cycle fails, I will hesitate and confirm with her she is ready to meet my sunshine while she mourns her loss as encountering my joy during her sorrow may be too much to deal with, especially since she has a surge of hormones racing through her worn out body magnifying each emotion; I pray this will not be the case. I want her to meet my son in her full joy, knowing she has a little one on the way so we can enjoy motherhood together.
Joy, loss, excitement, sorrow - all swirling around to create our mosaic - Open Adoption. It is one of those many lessons that adoption teaches families, emotions are messy, there are no right or wrong emotions to feel when adopting.
Our adoption process:
2010
Our adoption is a rather open adoption which is a rarity in a foster care adoption. Typically there is some contact between the foster-adopt family and the biological family, but letters are exchanged through secured PO boxes or emails and visits are once or twice a year. We have an agreement for one exchange of photos a year and four visits, but we expect more contact than that. Even though the adoption has not been finalized, we have maintained contact with his biological mother including some supervised visits. We have open contact with his sister, grandmother, aunts and cousins. It has been beneficial for Junior for us to integrate his biological family into our family - sharing holidays together, spending time together, building memories. He is so excited to have my sisters and parents meet more of his relatives later this month to celebrate his adoption.
With our great joy of adoption, I am supporting my best friend through in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments. She and her husband have tried for several years now to conceive and this is their first IVF cycle. I have supported her every step of the way - the joy, the disappointment, and the anxiety that comes with each test, each procedure, each step of this very scientific method of creating a baby, hopefully. Now we wait for a positive pregnancy test. We are praying for joyful news when the time comes, but I will be her support should this cycle fail and her dreams are dashed once again. Due to her treatment cycle and doctor appointments and our schedules, she has not met Junior in the year he has been with us. Yes, I want my best friend to meet my son, one of the joys of my life, my sunshine. If the IVF cycle fails, I will hesitate and confirm with her she is ready to meet my sunshine while she mourns her loss as encountering my joy during her sorrow may be too much to deal with, especially since she has a surge of hormones racing through her worn out body magnifying each emotion; I pray this will not be the case. I want her to meet my son in her full joy, knowing she has a little one on the way so we can enjoy motherhood together.
Joy, loss, excitement, sorrow - all swirling around to create our mosaic - Open Adoption. It is one of those many lessons that adoption teaches families, emotions are messy, there are no right or wrong emotions to feel when adopting.
Our adoption process:
2010
- July 2010 - first call to DSHS about becoming foster-adopt parents
- October 2010 - began foster care classes
- December 2010 - finished foster care classes and began paperwork
- January 2011 - began fingerprints and background check process
- February 2011 - had fingerprints redone
- March 2011 - fingerprints lost in system then finally found, completed paperwork
- April 2011 - background checks completed/passed and foster licensor retires
- May 2011 - a different licensor re-assigned; first home study review with licensor
- June 2011 - second interview with licensor
- July 2011 - counselor talks with licensor, home study on hold while licensor is on vacation
- September 2011 - licensed foster parents; and begin adoption home study
- December 2011 - adoption home study approved!
- January 2012 - try registering with adoption websites, begin struggle with state
- February 2012 - forced by state to transfer case to private agency in order to adopt; our regional DCFS office will not place foster children in our home or work with us because we want to adopt
- March 2012 - begin adoption home study process all over again with Bethany Christian Services
- May 2012 - begin home study interviews and inspection
- June 2012 - fingerprinted twice, complete home study interviews
- July 2012 - adoption home study complete and foster license transferred to private agency
- August 2012 - we learn about Junior in another region of the state, plan is adoption
- August 18, 2012 - first foster placement - Junior moves in
- November 2012 - state changes plan from adoption to concurrent adoption and reunification
- March 2013 - biological mother agrees to relinquish her parental rights
- April 2013 - biological father's parental rights terminated; biological mother's relinquishment signed
- May 2013 - biological mother's relinquishment filed with court and rights terminated; Open Adoption Agreement between us and biological mother filed with court; post-placement report sent to adoption lawyer and DCFS
- June 2013 - Junior becomes legally free; adoption paperwork processed
- July 2013 - we sign adoption papers and court date assigned for finalization
- August 2013 - state signs adoption papers and sends them to our lawyer
- August 23, 2013 - adoption finalized!!!!!!
Monday, August 5, 2013
17 Days and Counting
We are down to the last 17 days until Junior legally becomes our son. All the paperwork has been signed by us, the state and the lawyer and submitted to the judge. We have to show up to court on August 23 to state we will raise Junior to adulthood and treat him as a part of the family then Judge Spanner will sign our adoption papers. Then we get to celebrate many times over for a week!
Junior is excited about accepting our last name as his. He is beginning to lay claim to us after a year. The past two weeks we have been painting and redecorating his bedroom, making it reflect his personality and helping him feel he has a permanent place in our home. His room currently has two green walls, the other two walls will become gold and the curtains, shelves and rug are black. The comforter and dresser accents are red. It dawned on me while purchasing the curtains that the green, gold and black are the colors of the Jamaican flag, the country of origin where we began our adoption journey. While we did not complete our Jamaican journey, God led us down the foster-adopt path which I was trying to avoid with all my might, but I finally handed our journey to Him. It has been a roller coaster ride for three years and a great lesson in patience. I was needing to learn patience so the Lord made sure I got a 3-year lesson.
Our journey has, also, been a lesson in acceptance. I have had to learn to accept Junior's biological family and the contact we have established for Junior's sake. Our family has grown to include his biological family, not just his biological parents, but his sister, his grandmother, his aunts, his cousins, and other extended family plus family friends that have been integral in his life.
The Lord has truly blessed us by bringing our families together last August. In 17 days, we will legally be a family through an amazing 13 year old. A 13 year old who leaves his socks all over the place; who has to be reminded to do his chore list; who cannot remember to do homework from the time he leaves school to the time he arrives home 30 minutes later; who wears clean, wrinkled clothes out of the clean laundry basket instead of putting his clothes away. A 13 year old who does not wear a coat when it is freezing out; who goes barefoot just about everywhere year round. A 13 year old who is helpful, caring and fun loving. We were matched with our God-chosen child after many, many prayers.
Junior is excited about accepting our last name as his. He is beginning to lay claim to us after a year. The past two weeks we have been painting and redecorating his bedroom, making it reflect his personality and helping him feel he has a permanent place in our home. His room currently has two green walls, the other two walls will become gold and the curtains, shelves and rug are black. The comforter and dresser accents are red. It dawned on me while purchasing the curtains that the green, gold and black are the colors of the Jamaican flag, the country of origin where we began our adoption journey. While we did not complete our Jamaican journey, God led us down the foster-adopt path which I was trying to avoid with all my might, but I finally handed our journey to Him. It has been a roller coaster ride for three years and a great lesson in patience. I was needing to learn patience so the Lord made sure I got a 3-year lesson.
Our journey has, also, been a lesson in acceptance. I have had to learn to accept Junior's biological family and the contact we have established for Junior's sake. Our family has grown to include his biological family, not just his biological parents, but his sister, his grandmother, his aunts, his cousins, and other extended family plus family friends that have been integral in his life.
The Lord has truly blessed us by bringing our families together last August. In 17 days, we will legally be a family through an amazing 13 year old. A 13 year old who leaves his socks all over the place; who has to be reminded to do his chore list; who cannot remember to do homework from the time he leaves school to the time he arrives home 30 minutes later; who wears clean, wrinkled clothes out of the clean laundry basket instead of putting his clothes away. A 13 year old who does not wear a coat when it is freezing out; who goes barefoot just about everywhere year round. A 13 year old who is helpful, caring and fun loving. We were matched with our God-chosen child after many, many prayers.
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