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Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Guardian Angels

Psalm 5:11 NRSV

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, so that those who love your name may exult in you.
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We were surely watched over on Friday, January 17. What should have been a routine drive to my parents' turned into a harrowing experience of tumbling and bruised muscles. Within an hour and a half from my parents' home, I lost control and rolled the car with my husband and son as passengers. I truly remember little leading up to the accident and during the accident. We are grateful there were no other vehicles on the road at the time, grateful we landed down the embankment on the north side and not the river on the south side, grateful we came away with just bruises, scrapes and minor misalignments of the spine. The injuries could have been much worse. Yes, the car was totaled, pretty crunched, but it protected us with its side curtain air bags and seat belts as it was suppose to in its design. I got a long ride in an ambulance and received great care at Yakima Regional Medical & Cardiac Center. After checking out fine at the hospital (internal pain was from all the bruising), I was released several hours later.

God sent us an angel on earth - a veteran named Kevin. We don't know much about Kevin except he was traveling Highway 12 behind us from Centralia/Chehalis to the Tri-Cities in a red pickup and was the first to stop to help. He helped us climb out of the ditch, flagged down a state trooper so I could get medical attention, then drove Mike and Junior to the hospital to be with me. Kevin, thank you for your assistance.

The reason for the trip to my parents' was to honor the memory of my recently deceased nana; her memorial service was held last Saturday. It was a beautiful service with wonderful memories of a remarkable woman who saw and experienced a lot in 100 years. We even had a fashion show as some of her descendants wore her clothes, hats and shoes. Nana was buried wearing 3-inch heals! I wrote some words to honor nana and Junior read them for me; he did a marvelous job, not afraid of a crowd! It was fitting he read them as a portion was about her being one of our champions during our adoption journey and how proud she was of her new great-grandson. Below are my words I wrote.

Words for Nana
Grandma, whom my youngest sister comfortably called Nana and the label stuck, was a great supporter of my dreams. I started writing in elementary school - short stories, poems, youth devotionals. Nana, who was a prolific reader, encouraged my writing. One of her gifts when I was in middle school was a book of poems, Sounds of Feelings written by her friend and contemporary Kathryn Boice. I devoured the poetry; it helped me continue writing through college, some pieces were published.

One of Ms. Boice's poems from Sounds of Feelings is "An Observation":
Frustration, Dear, is heaven-sent.
We'd have no pearls if oysters were content.

This little poem described a journey my husband and I would embark on after 13 years of marriage. We ventured into the world of adoption. Nana became a cheerleader and prayer warrior during our adoption journey. She watched Mike and I grow up from two high school kids to mature, responsible adults ready for parenthood. It was a journey with agonizing waits, frustrating setbacks, and many unknowns. During our two-year wait for a child, I wrote, a lot. I blogged, I wrote letters to my future unknown child, I wrote in my journal, I wrote letters to unknown biological family. I prayed and I felt the prayers of others. Two particular Bible verses became my life line during the wait - Psalm 130:5 and Habakkuk 2:3.

Psalm 130:5 New International Version
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his words I put my hope."

Habakkuk 2:3 New International Version
"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay."

As our journey reached the 2-year mark for waiting, our prayer warriors prayed harder and more intensely. Finally, in 2012, we brought home a wonderful young man, Andrew. When he first met Nana, he was already taller than her - he being 5 foot 4 inches and she 5 feet on a good day. Our wonderful son flourished and continued to grow, and grow, but that did not stop Nana from telling the world about her new great-grandson. She often said she had a new little great-grandson, then correct herself, "he's not so little, really", especially since he grew six inches in 15 months!

I am glad she was able to enjoy a year with Andy and rejoice with us when we finalized his adoption this past summer. He has good memories of this remarkable woman who loved him, loved me, loved my husband.

Another of Ms. Boice's poems was the "Artist":
The same great God who
hurls the planets and the stars,
paints butterflies.

Our God who created the heavens and paints butterflies now has another angel. She now has a great view of the birth of new stars and cosmic collisions. Nana, we love you and miss you. Thank you for being my prayer warrior and helping me learn patience through a difficult time.
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With the long wait we had to get Junior, I am struggling with guilt that I could have killed him because I was the driver responsible for the car accident. My greatest fear is losing Junior before I am an old lady. The state entrusted us to raise him, his biological mother entrusted him to our care, we want to raise him to adulthood and watch him mature and have his own family. I am thankful we minor injuries and are healing. I have a scratch on my face that will probably scar, acting as a daily reminder of God's continual protection over our family. It will remind me to praise him daily for each blessing - waking up each morning, breathing, hugging my son, kissing my husband, the ability to work. Just as Psalm 113:9 says, "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Amen! 

There are mothers out there unable to hug their children tonight. I have been following the journey of Kristin and Spencer and their daughter Alayna. Precious Alayna joined God's angels early this morning after months of fighting for her life. There are many other children who have lost their battles with various diseases, abnormalities, and injuries. I have been apart of some of these families' lives over the years. I remember their children and empathize with their loss. Other mother's are morning the loss of miscarriages, stillbirths, SIDS, and failed infertility treatments. I, too, know these women, and men, who morn these losses. May their loss be remembered, their pain be acknowledged, and their hearts continue to heal. I pray fervently, I never experience the loss of a child. I would be devastated. It takes a strong soul to recover from the loss of a child.

Each day I will thank God for each day he has given me, each day he has given me with my husband (over 19 years, now), and each day he has given me with my son. With the Lord's strength I will move through the guilt, cherish my life, and look forward to our next adventure as a family.

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Psalm 113:1-9 NRSV
Praise the Lord! Praise, O servants of the Lord; praise the name of the Lord. Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time on and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to its setting the name of the Lord is to be praised. The Lord is high above all nations, and his glory above the heavens. Who is like the Lord our God, who is seated on high, who looks far down on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust, and lifts the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with princes, with the princes of his people. He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!

Friday, August 16, 2013

Emotions of an Open Adoption

I am dealing with a slew of emotions at the moment. Excitement is pulsating through me as I await Junior's adoption finalization, day by day. We have seven days left of this phase of our journey then we begin the rest of our lives. At the same time I acknowledge the bitter sweetness experienced by Junior's biological mother as Mike and I become Junior's legal parents. She is supportive of the adoption and our roles as parents, but there is still that sense of loss for her, the might have been that will never be. She will always be his biological mother, but now I am Mom. Her pain might be similar to the emptiness I have experienced the last few years, touched with a twinge of jealousy as she watches another woman raise her son. She decided to trust us to raise her son when she made her decision to relinquish her parental rights. Relinquishing also gave her the opportunity for an open adoption. 

Our adoption is a rather open adoption which is a rarity in a foster care adoption. Typically there is some contact between the foster-adopt family and the biological family, but letters are exchanged through secured PO boxes or emails and visits are once or twice a year. We have an agreement for one exchange of photos a year and four visits, but we expect more contact than that. Even though the adoption has not been finalized, we have maintained contact with his biological mother including some supervised visits. We have open contact with his sister, grandmother, aunts and cousins. It has been beneficial for Junior for us to integrate his biological family into our family - sharing holidays together, spending time together, building memories. He is so excited to have my sisters and parents meet more of his relatives later this month to celebrate his adoption. 

With our great joy of adoption, I am supporting my best friend through in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments. She and her husband have tried for several years now to conceive and this is their first IVF cycle. I have supported her every step of the way - the joy, the disappointment, and the anxiety that comes with each test, each procedure, each step of this very scientific method of creating a baby, hopefully. Now we wait for a positive pregnancy test. We are praying for joyful news when the time comes, but I will be her support should this cycle fail and her dreams are dashed once again. Due to her treatment cycle and doctor appointments and our schedules, she has not met Junior in the year he has been with us. Yes, I want my best friend to meet my son, one of the joys of my life, my sunshine. If the IVF cycle fails, I will hesitate and confirm with her she is ready to meet my sunshine while she mourns her loss as encountering my joy during her sorrow may be too much to deal with, especially since she has a surge of hormones racing through her worn out body magnifying each emotion; I pray this will not be the case. I want her to meet my son in her full joy, knowing she has a little one on the way so we can enjoy motherhood together.


Joy, loss, excitement, sorrow - all swirling around to create our mosaic - Open Adoption. It is one of those many lessons that adoption teaches families, emotions are messy, there are no right or wrong emotions to feel when adopting.





Our adoption process:
2010
  • July 2010 - first call to DSHS about becoming foster-adopt parents
  • October 2010 - began foster care classes
  • December 2010 - finished foster care classes and began paperwork
2011
  • January 2011 - began fingerprints and background check process
  • February 2011 - had fingerprints redone
  • March 2011 - fingerprints lost in system then finally found, completed paperwork
  • April 2011 - background checks completed/passed and foster licensor retires
  • May 2011 - a different licensor re-assigned; first home study review with licensor
  • June 2011 - second interview with licensor
  • July 2011 - counselor talks with licensor, home study on hold while licensor is on vacation
  • September 2011 - licensed foster parents; and begin adoption home study
  • December 2011 - adoption home study approved!
2012
  • January 2012 - try registering with adoption websites, begin struggle with state
  • February 2012 - forced by state to transfer case to private agency in order to adopt; our regional DCFS office will not place foster children in our home or work with us because we want to adopt
  • March 2012 - begin adoption home study process all over again with Bethany Christian Services
  • May 2012 - begin home study interviews and inspection
  • June 2012 - fingerprinted twice, complete home study interviews
  • July 2012 - adoption home study complete and foster license transferred to private agency
  • August 2012 - we learn about Junior in another region of the state, plan is adoption
  • August 18, 2012 - first foster placement - Junior moves in
  • November 2012 - state changes plan from adoption to concurrent adoption and reunification
2013
  • March 2013 - biological mother agrees to relinquish her parental rights
  • April 2013 - biological father's parental rights terminated; biological mother's relinquishment signed
  • May 2013 - biological mother's relinquishment filed with court and rights terminated; Open Adoption Agreement between us and biological mother filed with court; post-placement report sent to adoption lawyer and DCFS
  • June 2013 - Junior becomes legally free; adoption paperwork processed
  • July 2013 - we sign adoption papers and court date assigned for finalization
  • August 2013 - state signs adoption papers and sends them to our lawyer
  • August 23, 2013 - adoption finalized!!!!!!

Monday, September 5, 2011

To the Birth Family of My Child

I have been thinking about who our adopted child may be while we wait for a match and it has me thinking about the birth family of that child. Our child may or may not know his or her birth family. A child from Jamaica has a very high chance of not knowing his/her birth family. A foster child may have some contact with his/her birth family. So I am taking this time to write a letter to the birth family of any child that may become ours. Once we are matched and know more about our child, I will write a more personal birth family letter. I have been praying daily for the birth family and the caretakers of our future children for awhile now so the birth family is in the back of my mind constantly.

Dear Birth Family,

At this time, I do not know what the circumstances are that have led to your child being placed in care outside of your home. As I write this, my husband and I are waiting to be matched as the adoptive parents of your child. We promise to love, nurture, guide and teach your child. We - you, us and the child - are now a family. We may have little or no contact, but we still influence who the child is and who the child will become. We will teach this child that you love the child and wanted to care for him/her, but for whatever the circumstances, we were chosen as the forever family for your child.

If at all possible and if in the best interest of the child, we would like you to be involved in the child's life. This could mean some annual visits or just letters, emails, phone calls or Skype. The child needs to know that there are many people who are involved in raising him/her - birth, adoptive, foster, immediate, extended and those who are like family. We strongly believe "it takes a village to raise a child". While we want you to have contact with us and the child, please understand that during the first year, contact may be limited while we work on bonding with the child to re-assure the child we are a safe, stable and permanent home.

Our goal is to be a stable, safe home for your child. We hope some day you can come to see the child as "ours", not yours, not mine, but ours. The child has your genetics and your traits. The child will develop the values and some learned traits of my husband and myself. Some day, the child will become, hopefully and God willing, an independent adult with individual ideas and goals that honor both you and us, the family that gave the child a strong beginning.

I do know you have experienced a variety of emotions during this process including anger, disbelief and sadness at losing custody of your child. I, too, have experienced emotions during our own process including frustration, anger, joy and peace. The child has experienced a wide range of emotions that are very confusing, especially if the child is young. It will take time for all of us to process through these emotions singularly and together. My husband and I have accessed counseling services since we began our adoption journey and will continue family counseling once your child is placed in our home. For us, counseling is not a sign of weakness, but just another resource to tap to deal with complex issues involved in the adoption process. I do not know what your circumstances are, but I hope you have others you can talk with to help you through this difficult time. Also, I hope you realize that your thoughts and emotions regarding the adoption of your child by us will vary through the years to come and I hope you will come to peace with us being the forever family of your child.

While we have prayed for years for a child to become ours through adoption, we understand our joy does result in loss for you and the child. We extend our empathy to you and the rest of the birth family. We have learned through the years that sorrow must be experienced in order for joy to be experienced. I have not experienced your form of loss, but I have experienced loss in my own personal ways. Each person experiences life differently; we hope we have the empathy to better understand your circumstances.

We are here to care for your child. And we hope we can continue to keep you involved in your child's life. We are just more family to help your child to adulthood.

Sincerely,
Your Child's Forever Family