Long "Gestation" Period

Black Alpine Salamander, Photo: Wiki Commons/GNU*

Our adoption process has been compared to the gestation period of the mighty elephant. As we approach the 2-year mark of our foster-adopt process and the 2.5-year mark for our Jamaican adoption process, I researched gestational periods of other animals. Elephants carry their young for less than 2 years; we have surpassed that duration. The tiny black alpine salamander of the Alps gestate for 2 to 3 years depending on the elevation the creature lives. The dogfish shark is pregnant for 2 years while the basking shark for 3 years. The frilled shark lingers for 3.5 years before giving birth.* While our adoption processes have exceeded the gestation periods of the elephant and the dogfish shark, they have not yet exceeded the 3.5-year pregnancy of the frilled shark, the longest of all animals.

Many foster-adopt families are familiar with the long, drawn out process that fostering a child can be as the court determines if reunification or termination of parental rights (TPR) will occur. This process can take several years. Even if TPR is granted and the foster family is chosen to adopt, there may be appeals by the biological family and various delays before the adoption is finalized.

I have found it rare that families encountered so many road blocks as we have before a child is even matched. We haven't even been able to get to the point where our caseworker can talk to other caseworkers about potential children, until this month. We keep reaching the point of being able to inquire about children then get stalled. We hit that point in January and thought we were getting past that point this month.

I sure hope our "pregnancy" is not 3 years. Two years is long enough and we still have "labor" to proceed through which can be several months in itself. An encourager of ours said adoption is a "labor of Love" - a long, slow labor.

Adoption has many more unknowns than giving birth. With biological children, once you make it past the first trimester, you can expect to give birth between the 7th and 9th month. With adoption, you do not know which YEAR. Our journey continues as we wait for "gestation" to end.

*Source: Mother Nature Network
http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/animals/photos/12-animals-with-the-longest-gestation-period

More Fingerprints

June 16: We knew it was too good to be true when our caseworker said the agency was able to run our background check with the DSHS fingerprints. June 14 she emailed me requesting we go in ASAP for more fingerprinting because we needed an FBI background check and not just the WSP check. We were able to get our prints taken and processed Friday, June 15. Unfortunately, our caseworker has to be able to access the file directly and not have us email them to her and we are having problems getting her access. I have to contact the processing company Monday to find out how they can send her the results. The results state we have never been arrested and are in PDF so they are not edited, but the caseworker has to receive them directly from the company. Still, we are making progress.


June 20: Found out the company cannot send our results directly to the caseworker, but we have to provide our agency with our logins, passwords and secure access codes for the company's website. We tried that today and discovered our results were purged from the system after we saved them last Friday! Now we have to schedule new appointments and have the process repeated. We are waiting for the fingerprinting company to send the confirmation email that we are allowed to schedule new appointments. I wish there was an easier way to get our background checks processed. We might be able to get our appointments for Thursday afternoon or Friday. There is a chance we have to wait until next week.

After a conversation on Facebook with other adoptive parents about fingerprinting, someone suggested we needed a support group. I think it is time for a letter to my Senators. My Congressman is retiring, but my Senators need to know there has got to be a better way nationally for processing background checks. One central database so the different state foster care agencies and private adoption agencies can pull from the database. Right now, depending on who you are adopting from determines the fingerprinting process and not all states even require fingerprints even be taken.

Unlike the fingerprints with DSHS, these prints cost us money each time they are taken - $48/person - so $96 each time we schedule an appointment. Plus there is the fuel because the closest office is not within our county. It is an hour round trip plus I have to take time off from work during a very busy week. It seems "our" office is not as user friendly as the other offices our agency is use to dealing with for background checks. It is enough to increase my blood pressure and make me scream.

Adoptive parents tell me these roadblocks are worth in the end when our child is in our home and arms. Will the frustrations of parenting really be worth all this? Will we be willing to endure this again for a second adoption in the future when my fingerprints will be more worn and harder to scan; when the laws will have changed possibly to make it even more complicated? I pray parenthood will be worth all the tears, frustration, aggravation, anger, impatience and heartache I have already encountered. A tiny voice in the back of my mind started asking today, "What if parenting is not worth all this anguish? What if the child placed with us grieves us more than enthralls us?" If that is the case, we will have just the one child and deal with our life as it is with God as our refuge.

June 21: Fingerprinting completed for the 5th time! Got the results to our agency untainted via a befuddled phone call and email. Now our home study should be finalized next week.

Fundraising to Bring Our Child Home

When we contracted with the private agency this Spring, I asked my parents how bad they wanted another grandchild and if they were willing to help us with the $10,000 agency fee. They were thrilled to helped us. As the path to adoption has been winding so has figuring out how to fund it. My parents were not expecting to pay for summer semester in college for my youngest sister or sending her husband to college this fall.


Since 2010 we have raised $8,731 through various fundraising activities - Swing Night, gifts from family and friends, tax returns and our savings account. We have spent $3,245.95 on the Jamaican adoption which began in 2009. This year we have spent $2,550 for the private agency foster-adopt. In total we have spent $5,796 on the two adoption processes. We now have $5,450 that will be due when it is time to place a child in our home, possibly July.


Mike and I have explored just asking grandparents for help or charging the final amount to our credit card. We will eventually get most, if not all, of the foster-adopt fee back after we finalize the adoption through the Adoption Tax Credit but that is months or a year down the road.

So I have prayed about our adoption process and feel we are being led to open up the opportunity for others to participate in bringing home our forever child. Through this blog I have been able to educate others about the adoption process and this is just one more way to spread the word about adoption, foster care and orphan care. We need to raise $5,515. Please pray, if you feel God calling you to help us to bring home our child, please contact me to find out how you can participate - jocelynegray at yahoo dot com or send a private message through my facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/Jocelyne.Davis.Gray. If enough people donate $5 to $50, we will meet our goal quickly. Help us bring our forever child home.

Breath In, Breath Out, and Hang On

We met with our caseworker today for our foster home inspection. She inspected the home on her last visit, but is required to make three visits so she filled out the paperwork. We did discuss where to store our alcohol - the wine cooler will be moved to the workshop which can be locked and inaccessible to children/teens. We have to install the locks on the chemical cabinets this month and purchase a fire escape ladder for the third floor.

We discussed our paperwork status. Our paperwork should be complete end of next week because our background checks managed to get processed and pass with the DSHS fingerprints from last year. We did not have to get re-fingerprinted as is expected since agencies are not usually allowed to share fingerprint files, just background check information. It is a blessing from God to have our background checks processed so easily this time. We had fingerprints done three times in 2011 - (1) for USCIS for Jamaican adoption process, (2) for DSHS Division of License Resources foster care license and (3) for DSHS Children's Administration adoption home study. Our home study will be complete around June 15!

We should receive a portfolio of information on a 10 year old by the end of next week, also. This might be our forever child, the child God has been preparing for us and us for him. Our caseworker is also working to contact the caseworker of a 9 year old girl. We are really expecting a placement in July, maybe August so we can get acquainted before school starts in September.

Parenthood is so close. I can almost reach out and touch my dream. After two years of paperwork, phone calls, letter writing, emails, and the emotional roller coaster we are so close to entering the ranks of so many other men and women called parents. It is almost terrifying that we will be responsible VERY soon for shaping the life of a young person.

Take a deep breath, exhale and hang on - parenthood is coming!

Exodus 15:2 New King James Version

"The Lord is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation; He is my God, and I will praise Him; My father's God, and I will exalt Him."

Isaiah 26:4 King James Version
"Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength."

Take a Deep Breath then Hang On

My heart is racing, my mind is racing and I can really only think, "Oh my, oh my!" We may be in early "contraction" phase of our adoption. Our caseworker is sending us a biography about a 10 yr old child and we are inquiring about another 9 year old. Our decision may come down to one of these two children. More discussion will occur when we meet with our caseworker on Wednesday for our foster inspection and meeting. We are anticipating possible placement in July or August if we are matched this month with a child. I need to be calm and let see how the next few weeks unfold before I get too excited about a new family member.

Take a deep breath and exhale. Then hang on because the fast forward button may have just been pushed.


Isaiah 26:4 King James Version
"Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength"

Cost of Foster-Adopt in WA

Since we have been required to contract with a private agency in order to adopt from foster care, many people assume WA state will cover the cost of our foster-adopt like a typical state foster-adopt. This is not our case. Our agency is not contracted with WA DSHS, but it is licensed to provide foster-adopt services, so the state does not reimburse our fees. If a legally free child is placed in our home, we will not receive fostercare stipends for the child. If the child is not yet legally free, we will receive monthly payments from the state. We are still responsible for $10,000 in fees to the adoption agency.
The fee is broken down as follows:

• $550 Application Fee
• $2,000 Home Study Fee
• $2,000 Family Search Fee (covers costs to search for a child)
• $5,450 Program Service Fee (post-placement supervision and finalization paperwork)

Taking on this financial responsibility was a leap of faith. Mike and I are blessed my parents are able and willing to help us with a large portion of these fees plus we had some already saved from previous adoption fundraising over the past two years. We had originally done fund raising for our international adoption which is still in process, but the funds are now being used for our foster adoption.


The shock on people's faces when the cost of our adoption is mentioned is repeatable. Then the same question is asked, "Doesn't the state pay foster care?" Usually, but not in our case. Then they ask, "How are other families going to afford adoptions in WA?" That is a good question. If other families are going to be required to contract with private agencies, many will not be able to adopt from foster care except going through the long-term fostercare process hoping that a child in their care will see more eventually become available. This will limit the number of children adopted from Washington's fostercare system. We will foster kids age out of the system. It will be interesting to how the WA State foster care changes over the next few years because of the budget cuts and making families choose between long-term foster parenting or paying to adopt from fostercare.

Mother's Day - Face It or Avoid It

As another Mother's Day approaches and we do not yet have a child placed in our home, hiding from the world is my first reaction. It is not easy facing another holiday celebrating the joys of motherhood when there is no child calling me "Mom" and we are going through yet another round of paperwork with only the hope that we will get our placement later this year. It is impossible to completely avoid Mother's Day, but disengaging from media as much as possible is my goal this year.

I have also began to think of others who struggle with Mother's Day and Father's Day. There are birthparents who have closed or semi-closed adoptions so they do not have personal contact with their children. There are parents who have had a child die. This Mother's Day marks the one year anniversary since the Milroys lost their precious Aurora to cancer. All these parents never forget the child that blessed their lives. Even when birthparents have their parental rights terminated, they grieve the loss of their child. Other people have lost their parents or primary caregivers so these holiday allow the memories to resurface and  wish they had their loved one with them.

At least for me, there is hope the struggle with Mother's Day will come to an end in the relative near future. I pray next year my husband and child will be wishing me "Happy Mother's Day", but I must have faith that we will meet our forever child when the circumstances are just right. Patience is a virtue and my basement should be full of patience after three years of this adoption journey so far. I just have to remind myself that this is a journey; adoption does not end with the placement, it is a lifetime commitment so patience and resourcefulness are ideal skills to be mastered.

So for those who have children and grandchildren to fill your heart - Happy Mother's Day. For those who have mothers, grandmothers and mother-figures to celebrate - Happy Mother's Day.

For those who are waiting for your child (pregnancy, fertility treatment, or adoption), or missing your child or mothers or mother-figure, or for whatever reason find the holiday difficult - may you find peace in your soul and a little quiet time. Do what is necessary to honor the pain you feel without it consuming your life. Happy Sunday.

Moving Forward

We had our first meeting with our caseworker from Bethany Christian on April 25. The meeting went well. We discussed in detail what causes us stress and how we deal with stress. We discussed our support system - church, family, friends and counseling. We also agreed it is in our best interest to transfer our foster license from DSHS to Bethany Christian since the state is refusing to even place children for any reason with us; we cannot even do respite care through DSHS.

Our next meeting is mid-May and our caseworker has prepared us for what to expect. She will meet with Mike for an hour then with me for an hour then she will meet with us together for an hour. The questions are going to get really personal, but with this being our fourth home study, we are not worried about getting too personal.

Our third meeting will be our foster inspection. She will note anything we need to address and then we will address it and send her a photo. The caseworker believes our adoption home study will be complete before our foster license is transferred. The state may delay their end of the paperwork just because they are understaffed and overworked.

Our goal is to begin searching for a child this summer with hopes for placement this summer or this fall. This timeline gives us time to complete a few projects around the house before a child arrives. We have replaced the kitchen backdoor and child's bathroom remodel will occur in May. There are a few other items on the "to-do" list. We are making progress and are pleased with the relationship we have developed with Bethany Christian.

As we move forward I am encountering others who are experiencing roadblocks along their adoption journey. Just two months ago we were told we had to start our process over. I have spoken with a couple of families who are licensed foster parents, but the state is not placing children with them because they want to adopt. They are exploring the opportunities of working with a private agency in order to adopt from foster care. Other couples are waiting to be matched to a young child or birth mother and are learning this may be a long wait. Some of the families I have been able to provide with resources for private agencies in their area. Other families all I can offer are prayers for peace and patience. Stating "all will occur in God's timing" does not always provide comfort to those with empty arms. When your heart wants a child, reason does not always work so I have found it helps to offer prayers of peace and patience in their lives. These prayers have worked well for us.

Philippians 4:7 (NIV)
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Daniel 2:21b-23a (NIV)
²¹...He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning.
²² He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him.
²³ I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors: You have given me wisdom and power, you have made known to me what we asked of you...

Latest Adoption Process Update

Bethany Christian Services determined we have to start from scratch with the home study process. We just completed most of the paperwork this past week. Our latest medical exams are scheduled for the week of March 20th. We have mailed letters and reference forms to our friends who have agreed to be our references. It has been wonderful to have so many people support us through this process who have been willing to write references for our foster license, for our DSHS foster-adopt process and now for our private foster-adopt process. Some of them even wrote references for our international adoption so they are becoming experts at writing reference letters or filling out reference questionnaires.

For our foster license, I just completed two weekends of training. The class was Parenting Plus which is a new class for new foster parents and from foster parents who are re-certifying. Next month we take "So You Have Your First Placement, Now What?" even though we have not had any children placed with us. This is another required class for new foster parents. The Parenting Plus class was good to learn from experienced foster parents.

We are proceeding through Round 3 for the foster-adopt process. I first made contact with DSHS about starting the foster-adopt process in July 2010 and now it is 1 year and 8 months later and we are still processing through the paperwork because our region decided we had to transfer our adoption case to a private agency. I have spoken with a placement coordinator in another region, she is not aware of the state no longer willing to work with families wanting to adopt from foster care without doing long term foster care. Her region has way more children than they have foster homes and adoptive homes available while I have talked to various foster-adopt families who have not had a placement for a year or two in our county. If she has children who are in need of permanent placements, I do not understand why there are not more placements between regions as long as it is in the best interest of the child. Maybe with me bringing up this topic with her and her beginning to talk to other regions, maybe more Washington children will find permanent homes with more inter-regional cooperation within DSHS. It will be interesting to see how Round 3 plays out as it is not a standard process in our case. Yes, we want it to lead to a successful adoption for us, but if it leads to more successful adoptions for several Washington foster children, then God's kingdom is in more places and in more lives.

A Side Step in Our Journey

DSHS finally decided earlier this month that they will not be providing us adoption services and is getting out of the adoption business. The sole focus now is helping to keep children with their families and temporary foster care. Luckily, I had already begun contacting private adoption agencies in Washington. I found three that could provide services to us in our rural county.

I did not think it would be difficult to find an agency, that is not true. One agency limits the available children to Washington and Oregon and we felt that was too restrictive. A second agency does not want to place children over that age of 3 with us because we are untried parents and have had anxiety issues, even though they are resolved. Instead of us choosing an agency, that left us with one agency to decide if they were willing to work with us.

We know transferring our DSHS foster-adopt case to a private agency does not guarantee the agency will approve us for adopting an older child, but Bethany Christian Services is willing to work with us through the process. I have had a peaceful feeling working with their staff and our assigned social worker, even though we have not met. We have just exchanged lots of emails.

We are progressing through applications and sending our DSHS documents to the social worker via email to determine how much of the home study we have to update. We progress through this step and continue along our journey.

Continued Frustrations

Now that we have transitioned into the next phase of our adoption process and are trying to register with the various photolisting websites, we have encountered more frustrations. In order to fully register for these sites we are required to have an agency contact - name, phone number and email. Turns out the caseworker who completed our adoption home study is done with our case and will not be our contact. The local adoption social worker only represents children or works with families who have children in their homes already. I have a third DSHS employee looking into DSHS protocol and who should be our agency contact or if DSHS can even help us with this step. If DSHS cannot help us with finding a child, why did they tell us we could adopt through DSHS? I even had one DSHS employee tell us to now go with a private adoption agency after all we have gone through dealing with DSHS. If we really do need to go with a private adoption, we should have known this in 2010 so we could have worked with an agency from the beginning. We hope to have some answers by next Tuesday or I will be calling DSHS HQ to get our answers.

Until we figure out who our agency and agency contact will be, we cannot inquire about any child or youth. We have begun searching the photolistings and creating a list of potential children/youth we would like to inquire about once we can fully register with the websites. Since we have chosen not to be foster parents but to seek a child already legally free, the photolistings are really the only way for us to find a potential child/youth. The process works as follows, to my understanding:

• We submit an electronic inquiry about a child we are interested in parenting.
• The child's caseworker reviews our home study and profile.
• If the child's caseworker thinks we could be potential parents, the caseworker contacts our agency's contact and the communicate.
• Our agency contact receives information about the child and shares it with us.
• We decide to parent or not parent the child after reviewing the file.
• If the child's caseworker approves us to become the parents, we are invited to visit the child/youth and a disclosure meeting. The disclosure meeting allows us to learn about the the child's past, reason for being in foster care.
• Depending on the needs of the child/youth, we may have several days of visits before returning home.
• If fully approved to adopt the child, we will go to the child's current location and may spend several days before bringing the child/youth home.
• Once home, we establish our routine with our child/youth with a DSHS caseworker making monthly visits until we are approved to finalize the adoption.
• After six months or more, we get to finalize the adoption and make our family permanent.

We might meet our forever child this year. We might meet our forever child next year. Then there is a process to bring our child home then make the adoption finalized.

A new start for a new year

Isaiah 1:17 New Revised Standard Version
"learn to do good; seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow"

Our adoption home study was completed December 21 and December 22 we got a call to begin visitation for two little boys on December 28. It was two crazy days to prepare for the trip and for Christmas. We traveled two days after Christmas with high hopes, all excited to meet our potential future children. We didn't quite know what to expect.

After an 8 hour drive, we settled into our hotel room then prepared for our meeting with DSHS and with the boys the next day. This led to the first fight that my dear husband and I had in several years; it was a doozy, but we came to an understanding to be open minded during the rest of the week.

The next morning we met with the caseworker for about 45 minutes then met the boys with their foster mom. Our nine-hour visit extended across several situations - DSHS visitation room, a walk outside, lunch at a fast food restaurant and many hours at the foster parents' home. We experienced firsthand the joys and needs of the boys. The day was special, educational and eye-opening. That evening, my husband and I had a long conversation late into the night about the needs of the children, our ability to meet their needs and our expectations of parenthood.

The second morning there was a family team decision meeting. On the way to this meeting, we finally decided what our answer would be if we were asked if we would parent the boys. These boys are distant relatives of mine so other family members were present at the meeting who did not know our decision. My husband and I made a very difficult and heartbreaking decision that we could not provide for the long term needs of the boys.

We know our decision is extremely painful and difficult for my relatives to accept, but we had to do what we thought was in the best interest of the boys. They are currently in a good home, having their needs well met and are loved by many. I will continue to pray for the boys as their case is still to be decided.

Today we are emotionally recovering from this past week. We have learned a lot about ourselves and the type of child we are comfortable parenting. We have decided a single older child would be more suitable for us. With the new year, we will prayerfully search for the child God has chosen for our family.

Our adoption journey continues, but we are wiser from our experiences of 2011. Our marriage is still strong and united. We will continue to pray, discern, and learn during 2012.

Another Step Forward

We have made progress in our adoption home study. After Thanksgiving, we met with our adoption caseworker. The first meeting we reviewed our basic history - education, family, jobs, and our current relationships with our parents and siblings. We discussed why we wanted to adopt, our foster licensing process and the training classes we have taken so far. Our second meeting we discussed our views on adoption, discipline, adoption issues and had our home inspection. The home study has been written and should be approved by our caseworker's supervisor before Christmas. This is just another step forward in our adoption process. We will see what 2012 reveals in our adventure.

Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving this week, I want to reflect on my blessings through a process that has been frustrating and heartbreaking. We are still dealing with frustrations, but there is hope of some additional progress in the next few weeks.

Psalm 9:1
"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."

Thanksgiving 2011 Blessings:

• a wonderful husband who loves me very much
• supportive family
• State Representative's Senior Aid helping with our adoption
• some progress with our adoption
• a lovely home ready for our future child(ren)
• prayers of many believers that our child(ren) will come home soon
• improved health
• I know God is looking over our future child(ren)
• I have been a blessing to others who are embarking on their adoption journey

Genesis 12:2

"I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing"

Finding grace

November is National Adoption Month and today is Adoption Sunday. There are stories of so many families created through adoption. During these celebrations, what is not discussed are the years of waiting, the mounds of paperwork and the frustrations each family experiences to bring their precious children home. In the past ten years, the adoption process - domestic and international - has become longer and there is more scrutiny about the potential adoptive parents.

The past three weeks, I have made contact with about four different people at DSHS trying to see if we can move our process along. At this point it looks like we will not be moving our foster-adopt process along any faster. Our adoption caseworker is overloaded and we just have to wait until she can find time to meet with us. Then I have to make a call to the foster care Placement Coordinator later this month to find out if she can found out if she can help us with getting a suitable placement. Being told that these two women are the only two people in the entire state who might be able to help us create our family is, in a way, frustrating and disheartening.

At this point, I have to find the grace to allow DSHS to go through their process even if I think they are moving too slowly. I have to find the grace to deal with the state workers who tell me I must continue to wait patiently for weeks and possibly months. I have to find the grace to find ways to make changes in the foster care system that benefit children while I hear of teens aging out of the system without permanent families.

I pray for grace, patience and forgiveness as we move through our adoption process and wait for our child to come home. As we get closer to the holiday season, it will be harder for me to not lose faith that we will have our precious child in our home come this time next year. I had this wish last year and this will be my wish until we have a child in our home.

Navigating Foster Care

Over the last month, I have attempted to make as many contacts as possible at DSHS to see who might be best able to help us with our foster-adopt process. Most of the people I have spoken to have been unhelpful. One woman who may be of assistance will not be in the office until mid-November. So I have to wait to contact the Placement Coordinator who might be able to match us to a child waiting for a forever family or who is moving from reunification to adoption placement. I have talked to different people in the Shelton office, in Thurston County and in Benton County. I feel like I am running out of people to talk to at this point. We should be meeting with our caseworker in November, finally. I am beyond frustration at this point; I am just about resigned to just go along for the ride, but I have not given up to fight for out child and for the rest of the children in foster care. I have spoken to:

• foster licensor
• assigned caseworker
• caseworker in another county
• foster licensor supervisor
• interim foster Placement Coordinator
• fingerprinting center
• part time adoption caseworker
• DSHS workers at HQ
• Sr Aide to State Representative
• other foster families

We are into this process 12 months already. From my communications with other foster-adopt families throughout the country, some had placements within a year of starting their process while others endure years of slow processing. It looks like we will be going through a multi-year process.

While we wait for DSHS to go through their steps, a child is waiting for their forever family which we could provide. There is a child hoping, wishing, wondering when he/she will have a forever family. Each night I pray for our child, our child continues to live in uncertainty. I pray his/her foster family is loving, caring, protective, secure, therapeutic and supportive. One day, we will work together to transition the child to our home.

I still have the fire inside me to keep fighting for the children waiting in foster care for permanency. It will be a long process just to make changes in my local DSHS office, let alone changes further up the chain of command. While our process may be long and unpredictable, I hope to make the path better for future foster-adopt families.

Romans 8:25

Romans 8:25 New Revised Standard

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience"

As we progress through the adoption process, I have been hoping and praying and asking the Lord for patience. I do not know how our journey will end, what turns our path will take or what adventures we may experience along the way.

It has seemed like a very slow process. I am trying to contact all people I can in DSHS throughout Washington State to determine who may be the best people to help us get a child placed in our home. I have found a caseworker in another county to be very helpful. I have a lead on a Foster Child Placement Coordinator who returns in November who might be able to help match us with a child who is either legally free or nearly legally free. We are waiting for our fingerprints to be processed so our caseworker will make set our first meeting. She has been willing to meet with other families before their prints have been completed, but she has not wanted to meet with us until our prints are processed.

Perseverance, patience and passion will get us through this process. And I hope to be able to identify some changes that need to be made in our local foster care system to better serve the children in care. I came across a 2002 study that children spend on average 43 months in foster care. Nearly four years of a child's life is a long time for any child, but especially a child who has experienced chaos, abuse, and/or neglect before experience temporary family life in foster care. Children deserve permanency sooner - either with their original family or with an adoptive family. Every child deserves to have a family that cares about their milestones - first loose tooth, sporting events, school events, birthdays, dances, holidays, first date, driver license, graduation, first job, first house, significant relationship/marriage, and children of their own. Even teens who are not adopted need a permanent family to call their own willing to remain family for the rest of their lives.

With God's strength, I will persevere through this process. With His strength, I will have the grace and patience to deal with the bureaucracy of the adoption process. The child God has chosen for us is out there waiting for a forever family just as we are waiting for the child. I know in my heart all good happens in God's time, but waiting can be extremely difficult, especially when one sees injustice occurring to children. While we wait, I will do what I can to help children waiting in Washington State.

We are moving forward!

Our foster-adopt process has quickly moved forward. Now that we are licensed foster parents (the license will be in the mail this week), the adoption section of DSHS has mailed us the adoption paperwork. The paperwork was mailed on September 12, we picked up our mail September 14. The "Welcome" letter stated we were to get all our paperwork, in by September 30. After I have been asking to speak with an adoption caseworker or at least get the paperwork for months, they give us 17 calendar days to submit our paperwork? Or what? There was no explanation of what happens if this deadline is not met. As organized as I am, I got our portion of the paperwork completed and mailed back to DSHS on September 16. The four references will be mailed this week and my husband's medical form will be mailed this week, also. I luckily had a doctor's appointment already scheduled for September 15 and took mine in and got it filled out that day. I also sent an email to the caseworker asking for clarification on statements in the letter. The letter says we have to go through the fingerprinting process all over again. I will do this if need be, but is this really necessary if WSP and DSHS already has our prints and just has to run them through the system? It would save time and effort on our part and save tax payer dollars which are stretched very thin already.

Thursday I met with my State Representative's Senior Aide about our case and discussed the good and the bad about our process. We agree there are communication and process issues that need to be addressed in the local DSHS office. Since July 2010 the Foster Licensors have told us we do not need to be licensed to pursue adoption, but the Adoption Caseworkers have told us they will not talk to us until we are licensed foster parents - message disconnect. Getting phone calls returned from DSHS is nearly impossible unless I call three times in one week. The office did not re-assign us a licensor when ours retired even after I got the Representative's office involved. I had to call and demand the contact information for a licensor so we could proceed. I have been refused the supervisor information when I ask for the name and phone number of the Adoption Supervisor. I only got this information when we became licensed foster parents. Then they give us this 17-day deadline which does not make any sense. Not everyone can get their doctor to respond within 15 days; luckily I already had an appointment and our doctors are really easy to work with and know we are working through the adoption process.

Once ALL the paperwork is in, I wonder how long it will take the caseworker to set up our first meeting. The letter stated we will have several 2-hour meetings. Much of the Caseworker's (CW) concern is our lifetime commitment to adoption, parental training we have received and resources we may utilize after placement and adoption. We have gone through all this with our previous two home studies so we will review what we know and plan to do after placement - counseling, discipline techniques, family integration, educational services, etc. I know very little about this CW, just name and contact information. I do not know of any local families that have dealt with the person and have not heard his name before this month so he may be new. This adoption home study process could go quickly or it could drag on for another year as some families locally have said it is taking 9-12 months for the adoption home study.

Patience. This is a practice in patience, hope and faith. I pray for the child waiting for a home who will be eventually placed in our home. We are adopting a child who is available for adoption and has been in care for an unknown amount of time. It makes my soul ache to know this child lingers in foster care wishing, hoping, praying for a family while we are wishing, hoping, praying for a child. All the child and we can do at this moment is wait for the system. One day that child will be set free from the system and achieve permanence as our child. Permanence. That is a good topic for my next blog post. As the verse below states, I will come to you. We just do not know when that day will be; the timing is in God's hands who watches over us and protects us.

John 14:18 (New King James Version)
I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you.

To the Birth Family of My Child

I have been thinking about who our adopted child may be while we wait for a match and it has me thinking about the birth family of that child. Our child may or may not know his or her birth family. A child from Jamaica has a very high chance of not knowing his/her birth family. A foster child may have some contact with his/her birth family. So I am taking this time to write a letter to the birth family of any child that may become ours. Once we are matched and know more about our child, I will write a more personal birth family letter. I have been praying daily for the birth family and the caretakers of our future children for awhile now so the birth family is in the back of my mind constantly.

Dear Birth Family,

At this time, I do not know what the circumstances are that have led to your child being placed in care outside of your home. As I write this, my husband and I are waiting to be matched as the adoptive parents of your child. We promise to love, nurture, guide and teach your child. We - you, us and the child - are now a family. We may have little or no contact, but we still influence who the child is and who the child will become. We will teach this child that you love the child and wanted to care for him/her, but for whatever the circumstances, we were chosen as the forever family for your child.

If at all possible and if in the best interest of the child, we would like you to be involved in the child's life. This could mean some annual visits or just letters, emails, phone calls or Skype. The child needs to know that there are many people who are involved in raising him/her - birth, adoptive, foster, immediate, extended and those who are like family. We strongly believe "it takes a village to raise a child". While we want you to have contact with us and the child, please understand that during the first year, contact may be limited while we work on bonding with the child to re-assure the child we are a safe, stable and permanent home.

Our goal is to be a stable, safe home for your child. We hope some day you can come to see the child as "ours", not yours, not mine, but ours. The child has your genetics and your traits. The child will develop the values and some learned traits of my husband and myself. Some day, the child will become, hopefully and God willing, an independent adult with individual ideas and goals that honor both you and us, the family that gave the child a strong beginning.

I do know you have experienced a variety of emotions during this process including anger, disbelief and sadness at losing custody of your child. I, too, have experienced emotions during our own process including frustration, anger, joy and peace. The child has experienced a wide range of emotions that are very confusing, especially if the child is young. It will take time for all of us to process through these emotions singularly and together. My husband and I have accessed counseling services since we began our adoption journey and will continue family counseling once your child is placed in our home. For us, counseling is not a sign of weakness, but just another resource to tap to deal with complex issues involved in the adoption process. I do not know what your circumstances are, but I hope you have others you can talk with to help you through this difficult time. Also, I hope you realize that your thoughts and emotions regarding the adoption of your child by us will vary through the years to come and I hope you will come to peace with us being the forever family of your child.

While we have prayed for years for a child to become ours through adoption, we understand our joy does result in loss for you and the child. We extend our empathy to you and the rest of the birth family. We have learned through the years that sorrow must be experienced in order for joy to be experienced. I have not experienced your form of loss, but I have experienced loss in my own personal ways. Each person experiences life differently; we hope we have the empathy to better understand your circumstances.

We are here to care for your child. And we hope we can continue to keep you involved in your child's life. We are just more family to help your child to adulthood.

Sincerely,
Your Child's Forever Family

Glimmer of Hope

Friday morning, August 26 I made my second major contact with Jamaica this month. They are working on a potential match. It will be some time before we have additional details, but it appears our first child is waiting for us in Jamaica. So, I guess we can say we are expecting. I am hoping we have a definite match by Christmas and maybe even more details to celebrate. We are unsure of how long it will take for Jamaica to finalize the match and to get us information about our child, it could be weeks or months.

I do not feel comfortable yet saying I am a mom until the match is finalized and I can personalize the the child. I know I will love any child who is matched to us, but I do not want to attach, yet, to a child until we have a name. I hope, I pray that one day soon we will be able to say, "We are parents!"

There are many questions. Who is our child? What is the name of our child? What is the background history of our child? Why is our child available for adoption? How old is our child? What does our child like: food, color, clothes, animal, toy, story?

I have an inner peace that one of our adoption processes is still moving forward. At this point, I have a glimmer of hope.

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Psalm 119:114
You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.

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Daydreaming
by Tom Fisher© July 19, 2005

I stepped into her room today
Knowing she's not there
This waiting for referral
Is more than one can bear
But taking in the moment
I sit down on the floor
And dream of her here with me
When waiting is no more.

A little giggle fills the air
As I rub her feet
I place my hand upon her heart
To feel its every beat.
A song is sung so very soft
Her eyes begin to close
She’s meeting me in dream land
A place where love still grows.

My vision now is very blurred
The tears stream down my cheeks
I’ve dreamed of her quite often
Throughout these past few weeks.

Suddenly a sound is heard
The phone rings in the hall
Waking up I quickly pray
Please let it be "The Call."