We have entered the Advent season, preparing for the celebration of Christ's birth. As this is a time of joy and celebration for most, I am struggling again with social gatherings this Christmas season. Last year I was so filled with joy as we were beginning the adoption process. We were talking to lawyers and filling out paperwork. This year we are in the middle of the process with no deadlines and many unknowns plus my arms are still empty. This year is a mixed blessing. It is the first Christmas I will spend with my niece who is 18 months old, but I know my heart will ache watching her open presents and interact with her parents. Yesterday I bought Christmas gifts for my nephew who is also 18 months old.
Christmas and Mother's Day are the two holidays I really struggle with infertility. While the Virgin Mary had to deal with an unplanned pregnancy, I have to find my niche as a woman longing for a child while we celebrate the immaculate conception. The bible is full of stories of God blessing infertile women with pregnancy; it is hard to accept, at times, that my choices are adoption or being childless. I believe my husband and I have been called to adopt and pray the Lord will continue to bless us with family.
This Christmas may just take a bit more steel in my veins than past holidays. I find comfort watching family holiday shows such as "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas". The difficulty is in public gatherings that include Children - parades, church programs, family gatherings. At times solitary confinement is desirable, but not practicable.
This Christmas I pray for peace in my heart as I wait for our family blessing. May you find peace if you are dealing with infertility or loss of a loved one this holiday season. May joy fill your soul if you are blessed to spend time with family.
Joce, I'm sorry you're going through this and that you feel the way you do. Trust me when I say I know exactly how you feel. Although I should feel very blessed to have Payton there is more to the story. We tried for many years after Payton to grow our family and it never happened. Month after month (turned in to year after year) I got reminders of what a failure I was. I was working full time while I was pg with Payton, I didn't have time to enjoy the pregnancy, I was soooo looking forward to another child so I could. My heart breaks when I hear other families who are "waiting for the right time", because for some that time will come and go and they will have missed the opportunity. Therapy to me is playing with other people's kids, it's hard to give them back, but then I remind myself that I'm getting too old to potty train another child. I hope you will be able to find a happy place some how during this season. XOXO Laura
ReplyDeleteI wish I didn't have to use words, especially typed ones, to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I wish instead we could just have a cup of tea together. Peace to you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteKeep going. It will happen.
ReplyDelete-Mike
I know exactly how you feel. I felt that way 2 years ago when depression over not having a child set in. With lots of prayer I got through it and so will you. God will bless you, it just takes time. Hugs and kisses!
ReplyDeleteMeg