Review of "Surviving the Holidays Without a Child - a multimedia guide for those trying to conceive or adopt"

When we began our adoption journey in 2009, I discovered a amazing resource, the Creating a Family website: https://creatingafamily.org, that I still use two years after finalization of our son's adotion. This holiday season, they have created a survival guide for those who are among the childless, but are trying to create their family either through conception or adoption. Surviving the Holidays Without a Child - a multimedia guide for those trying to conceive or adopt addresses many aspects of how the annual holiday season adds stress to the stressful situations of infertility treatments and the adoption process. Input for survival strategies came from studies, experts, and people "in the trenches" - women and men struggling with infertility, going through treatments, and wading through the adoption process. Holiday stress is not limited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. When you want a child, but achieving that goal is elusive, Mother's Day, Halloween, and Easter can be stressful as they are child-centered holidays. Yes, Easter has become a child-centered holiday with cute outfits, photos with the Easter Bunny, and Easter egg hunts. The Survival Guide provides strategies for creating allies, dealing with emotions, limiting physical stress, and minimizing financial stress. 

Page 9 of the Guide is the section about Let Your Family Know. Even if you view your infertility as a very private subject to not be broadcasted, the Guide recommends telling select family members who can become your allies during family gatherings. These allies will know not to ask the dreaded question, "So, when are you having children?" They can also change the subject when the conversation becomes too child-centric or make sure you get to hold the newest baby in the family, if that is what you desire.

The Survival Guide is easy to use for any family gathering such as family reunions, not just the holidays, Each section has links to blogs, videos, audio files, factsheets, all resources from the Creating a Family website. I did find that clicking on the links did not open a new window, but took my currently open tab to that link. When I clicked the back button on my browser, I was taken back to the beginning of the Survival Guide. It is a easily loadable PDF so scrolling through the 27 pages was not too difficult to get back to where I left off reading. I recommend reading through the entire guide then browsing the links afterwards. The Guide and the links are a very handy tool during the adoption process or the infertility conception/treatment process. You might consider having family members read Surviving the Holidays Without a Child so they better understand why the holidays are difficult for you.

Creating a Family is the national adoption & infertility education organization. Their mission is to provide support and unbiased information before, during and after adoption or fertility treatment to help create strong families. Check out their Five Core Values that they use to guide every decision.   They are a 501(c)(3) nonprofit, and you can check out their financials and IRS Form 990 at GuideStar. Executive Director is Dawn Davenport, author of  The Complete Book of International Adoption (Random House) plus many articles about infertility and adoption. The survival guide was developed with the help of several sponsors: Children's Connection Inc.; Jennifer Fairfax of Family Formation Law Offices; Walling Berg & Debele, PA; Advance Fertility Center of Chicago; Bierly & Rabuck; New Beginnings International Children's and Family Services; and Beacon House Adoption Services, Inc.

Happy Son

When people find out we adopted a teenager, they always ask if we are having any problems. I admit, teens, in general, adopted or not, struggle through life trying to assert independence and determine identity. Adoption adds more layers to this struggle. I have a well adjusted 14 year old, almost 15 year old. He loves video games and band. He enjoys socializing, dislikes chores, enjoys sleeping in, trips over his own feet, and only listens to mom when I use my "listen to me now" tone of voice. He is messy, does not care what he wears (holes and frayed hems), is loyal to his friends, loves his family, is gentle with cats, is polite to strangers and elders, and treats his best friend like a brother.

Some teens don't want others to know they are adopted. We were talking the other morning and he says he lets everyone know about his adoption. He is comfortable with who he is and how he fits into our family. He is comfortable with how our family fits with his biological family. At 14, I sure was not comfortable with who I was, though I knew how I fit into my family. He is doing well in school. He is involved in wonderful extracurricular activities, many that he can continue into adulthood. He is self confident including able to give a speech to a few hundred people.

During the adoption process, we and our son attended counseling to smooth the transition. Also, he met with his Guardian Ad Litum (GAL) who has known him from infancy. The counselors and the GAL all stated our son was resilient and able to adjust to life very well. I pray this ability continues through his teens and adulthood. Resiliency is more than coping, it is the ability to deal with whatever life throws at you; many adults struggle with this skill, my teen possesses it already.

I have a happy, well-adjusted teenage son. We are blessed to be a family.

Adoption by Special Needs Parents

There are many resources, articles and blogs out there for people who want to adopt special needs children. Specials needs range from mild to severe, medical, physical, psychological, and emotional. There is not much out there about parents who have special needs themselves who adopt.

My health problems make me special needs. I even had a 504 in school (similar to an Individual Education Plan, or IEP). It is due to my health that Mike and I cannot have biological children. My husband has a sleep disorder and an anxiety disorder. During the home study process, we had to discuss with the caseworker how our health might impact the life of a child. We had to get medical clearances from our doctors and our therapist that we were fit (physically, psychologically, and emotionally) to parent.

The greatest impact would be an anaphylactic episode. Luckily, since Junior has moved in, I have not had an episode requiring a trip to the ER. We have taught Junior what to do in case I need an ambulance and to follow the directions of the dispatcher. I have had allergic reactions to food in the 18 months Junior has lived with us, but I have been able to treat them with medication and not need my Epi-pen or medical aid. Other times, I hurt so bad from a Sjogren's flare I cannot get out of bed. About six months after Junior joined our family, I had three days I stuck in bed and he had to be very quiet when he was home. I wanted to interact with him, but was too ill to get out of bed. Mike had to be full time parent and Junior did really well during those three days. He even came in to check on me after school.

I know parents out there have taught their children how to respond should a parent have a diabetic, seizure, or heart problem. When children grow up learning these things, it is a way of life. Being brought into a special needs family, the family needs to consider the needs of the adopted child. Is the child capable of dealing with the family's issues while having his/her own needs met? Many adopted children come with emotional and psychological issues that the family should be able to address even if a parent's special need is in a flare or having an episode. I know with my anaphylactic episodes would terrify some children; a child that has gone through a lot of trauma would fear me dying.

As a special needs parent, I have more than just the needs of the child to consider. I have to consider how my health might impact the child's life or how the child might respond to one of my health episodes. You can parent an adopted child if you are an adult with special needs. I highly recommend speaking with your medical doctor and/or your therapist about how your health would impact the life of a child, how the life of a child would impact your health, what your limitations may be, and what support you may need.

For us, adopting a preteen/teen with few special needs was a better match than a very young child or a child with severe special needs. We needed a child who could dress himself, could care for self grooming, could fix a snack or simple meal, and could attend school. With our desires, we were matched with Junior. He has been a blessing to our family and adds to our joy.

Adoption Stories and the Media

Nationwide there have been a variety of news articles about adoptions not ending well. Reuters wrote a series about several parents who decided to use the Internet to find new homes of their adopted children they felt they could no longer parent. Other stories have told how adoptive children have been abused, even killed such as the case of Hana Williams. There has been discussion within the adoption community on whether or not adoptive parents are willing to face negative stories about adoption. There was quite the discussion at Creative Family in two blogs and within their comments: Adoptive Parents Want to Hear Only the Positive and Why Adoptive Parents Tune Out Negative Adoption Stories - 1 Simple Reason.

Media thrives on sensationalism, heart wrenching stories that grab our attention. I live in a small town with few foster parents; people who know people who adopted, the children were infants or toddlers. I wanted my little portion of the world to know that adopting a teenager from foster care could be good for the child and for the parents. I know one of the local newspaper reporters so I contacted her about writing a story about our adoption journey. Natalie came to our home, spoke to the family and took photos. We talked about why we adopted (my health), why we chose older child adoption, about the week we were matched with Junior, and how few teenagers are adopted, or how few you hear about being adopted. It was a very nice article printed on September 19 with two full color photos. Natalie captured the tone I wanted to convey without sensationalism.

According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Family, and Children's Bureau Child Welfare Outcomes Report 2008-2011 to Congress, less than 11% of foster youth, nationwide, age out of the system. In Washington, there were 1,360 children legally free waiting to be adopted, 24% of them were age 12-18. Of the 1,568 children adopted from foster care in Washington that year, 10% were in the 12-18 age range. In 2011, 407 youth emancipated out of the foster care system in Washington State, many without a connection to a long term family to call their own.

It was because of these several hundred teens who deserve a permanent tie to a family - people who will celebrate graduations, weddings, birth of children, holidays - people who will be there to support the person during a break up, after a job is lost, after the death of a loved one. No one should go through life alone. I have rejoiced with my family during the good times and relied on them for strength during the bad. We are that rock for our son. If I can encourage just one more family to open their home to another teenager, that is one more life that has a better chance of succeeding, a greater likelihood of being happy, one more life that found permanence. Adoption is not for every teen, but there is long term foster care and guardianship. Any family that is willing to say, "You are our child, you are part of our family regardless of legal standing," will help the young adult to mature into a grounded, more secure human being. That is why I opened our home and our life to a newspaper reporter.

Emotions of an Open Adoption

I am dealing with a slew of emotions at the moment. Excitement is pulsating through me as I await Junior's adoption finalization, day by day. We have seven days left of this phase of our journey then we begin the rest of our lives. At the same time I acknowledge the bitter sweetness experienced by Junior's biological mother as Mike and I become Junior's legal parents. She is supportive of the adoption and our roles as parents, but there is still that sense of loss for her, the might have been that will never be. She will always be his biological mother, but now I am Mom. Her pain might be similar to the emptiness I have experienced the last few years, touched with a twinge of jealousy as she watches another woman raise her son. She decided to trust us to raise her son when she made her decision to relinquish her parental rights. Relinquishing also gave her the opportunity for an open adoption. 

Our adoption is a rather open adoption which is a rarity in a foster care adoption. Typically there is some contact between the foster-adopt family and the biological family, but letters are exchanged through secured PO boxes or emails and visits are once or twice a year. We have an agreement for one exchange of photos a year and four visits, but we expect more contact than that. Even though the adoption has not been finalized, we have maintained contact with his biological mother including some supervised visits. We have open contact with his sister, grandmother, aunts and cousins. It has been beneficial for Junior for us to integrate his biological family into our family - sharing holidays together, spending time together, building memories. He is so excited to have my sisters and parents meet more of his relatives later this month to celebrate his adoption. 

With our great joy of adoption, I am supporting my best friend through in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments. She and her husband have tried for several years now to conceive and this is their first IVF cycle. I have supported her every step of the way - the joy, the disappointment, and the anxiety that comes with each test, each procedure, each step of this very scientific method of creating a baby, hopefully. Now we wait for a positive pregnancy test. We are praying for joyful news when the time comes, but I will be her support should this cycle fail and her dreams are dashed once again. Due to her treatment cycle and doctor appointments and our schedules, she has not met Junior in the year he has been with us. Yes, I want my best friend to meet my son, one of the joys of my life, my sunshine. If the IVF cycle fails, I will hesitate and confirm with her she is ready to meet my sunshine while she mourns her loss as encountering my joy during her sorrow may be too much to deal with, especially since she has a surge of hormones racing through her worn out body magnifying each emotion; I pray this will not be the case. I want her to meet my son in her full joy, knowing she has a little one on the way so we can enjoy motherhood together.


Joy, loss, excitement, sorrow - all swirling around to create our mosaic - Open Adoption. It is one of those many lessons that adoption teaches families, emotions are messy, there are no right or wrong emotions to feel when adopting.





Our adoption process:
2010

• July 2010 - first call to DSHS about becoming foster-adopt parents
• October 2010 - began foster care classes
• December 2010 - finished foster care classes and began paperwork

2011

• January 2011 - began fingerprints and background check process
• February 2011 - had fingerprints redone
• March 2011 - fingerprints lost in system then finally found, completed paperwork
• April 2011 - background checks completed/passed and foster licensor retires
• May 2011 - a different licensor re-assigned; first home study review with licensor
• June 2011 - second interview with licensor
• July 2011 - counselor talks with licensor, home study on hold while licensor is on vacation
• September 2011 - licensed foster parents; and begin adoption home study
• December 2011 - adoption home study approved!

2012

• January 2012 - try registering with adoption websites, begin struggle with state
• February 2012 - forced by state to transfer case to private agency in order to adopt; our regional DCFS office will not place foster children in our home or work with us because we want to adopt
• March 2012 - begin adoption home study process all over again with Bethany Christian Services
• May 2012 - begin home study interviews and inspection
• June 2012 - fingerprinted twice, complete home study interviews
• July 2012 - adoption home study complete and foster license transferred to private agency
• August 2012 - we learn about Junior in another region of the state, plan is adoption
• August 18, 2012 - first foster placement - Junior moves in
• November 2012 - state changes plan from adoption to concurrent adoption and reunification

2013

• March 2013 - biological mother agrees to relinquish her parental rights
• April 2013 - biological father's parental rights terminated; biological mother's relinquishment signed
• May 2013 - biological mother's relinquishment filed with court and rights terminated; Open Adoption Agreement between us and biological mother filed with court; post-placement report sent to adoption lawyer and DCFS
• June 2013 - Junior becomes legally free; adoption paperwork processed
• July 2013 - we sign adoption papers and court date assigned for finalization
• August 2013 - state signs adoption papers and sends them to our lawyer
• August 23, 2013 - adoption finalized!!!!!!

17 Days and Counting

We are down to the last 17 days until Junior legally becomes our son. All the paperwork has been signed by us, the state and the lawyer and submitted to the judge. We have to show up to court on August 23 to state we will raise Junior to adulthood and treat him as a part of the family then Judge Spanner will sign our adoption papers. Then we get to celebrate many times over for a week!

Junior is excited about accepting our last name as his. He is beginning to lay claim to us after a year. The past two weeks we have been painting and redecorating his bedroom, making it reflect his personality and helping him feel he has a permanent place in our home. His room currently has two green walls, the other two walls will become gold and the curtains, shelves and rug are black. The comforter and dresser accents are red. It dawned on me while purchasing the curtains that the green, gold and black are the colors of the Jamaican flag, the country of origin where we began our adoption journey. While we did not complete our Jamaican journey, God led us down the foster-adopt path which I was trying to avoid with all my might, but I finally handed our journey to Him. It has been a roller coaster ride for three years and a great lesson in patience. I was needing to learn patience so the Lord made sure I got a 3-year lesson.

Our journey has, also, been a lesson in acceptance. I have had to learn to accept Junior's biological family and the contact we have established for Junior's sake. Our family has grown to include his biological family, not just his biological parents, but his sister, his grandmother, his aunts, his cousins, and other extended family plus family friends that have been integral in his life.

The Lord has truly blessed us by bringing our families together last August. In 17 days, we will legally be a family through an amazing 13 year old. A 13 year old who leaves his socks all over the place; who has to be reminded to do his chore list; who cannot remember to do homework from the time he leaves school to the time he arrives home 30 minutes later; who wears clean, wrinkled clothes out of the clean laundry basket instead of putting his clothes away. A 13 year old who does not wear a coat when it is freezing out; who goes barefoot just about everywhere year round. A 13 year old who is helpful, caring and fun loving. We were matched with our God-chosen child after many, many prayers.

Preparing for Finalization and Family Forever

This month we have been preparing for finalization now that Junior is legally free for adoption. There have been lots of emails and phone calls between us, DCFS, the adoption agency and our adoption lawyer. We waited three weeks, but finally received our adoption paperwork that needed to be filled out and signed. The packet also included all of Junior's disclosure documentation; nothing really new, it just filled in some details. Thursday (tomorrow) I will mail the completed packet back to the adoption caseworker at DCFS and Adoption Support Services has about three weeks to process the paperwork. Once DCFS completes their processing, they forward certified copies to our lawyer for processing so we can get a court date for finalization. Typically 6 to 8 weeks from now we could finalize the adoption. During review of the disclosure documents I did find a clerical error in the termination order for the biological father so we are waiting for the Assistant Attorney General's reply - does the order need to be refiled with the error corrected and if so, how long will it take to get this processed.

In regards to bio mother, we are in a type of limbo now that her rights are relinquished and the adoption is not finalized. Oftentimes, DCFS will highly encourage the prospective adoptive families not to have contact with the biological parents until after finalization. In Junior's case, they have left it up to our discretion - contact is what is in Junior's best interest. I am currently in contact with bio mother on an occasional basis. We did arrange a supervised visit to her hometown since we were up her direction. It was a good visit for us, Junior and bio mother. She seems to have found peace and I am glad for her and for Junior.

Our long journey from no children to becoming legal parents is nearly complete. It was a two-year process from my first call to DSHS about becoming foster-adopt parents to getting our first placement, but about a year from placement to finalization. It is amazing how our lives have changed in less than one year when Junior entered our routine lives. August 18 will be our one year anniversary as a family. He had me at "Hi" on August 11, 2012, the day we met - two adults wanting to become his new parents and a young man not sure he was ready to leave the only town he ever lived in, but not having much choice in where he got to live. Ten months later, we are a functional, caring family expanded to include his biological family, his former foster family and all the other people who love and care for him. Our village is not just Shelton, we have a support system that extends into eastern Washington, northern Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Ohio, Louisiana, California, Illinois, Texas, Maine, Finland and other places around the globe. Junior has many people praying for him, many people who care about him, many people who mentor him, and many people he calls Family.

Our adoption process:
2010

• July 2010 first call to DSHS about becoming foster-adopt parents
• October 2010 began foster care classes
• December 2010 finished foster care classes and began paperwork

2011

• January 2011 began fingerprints and background check process
• February 2011 had fingerprints redone
• March 2011 fingerprints lost in system then finally found, completed paperwork
• April 2011 background checks completed/passed and foster licensor retires
• May 2011 a different licensor re-assigned; first home study review with licensor
• June 2011 second interview with licensor
• July 2011 counselor talks with licensor, home study on hold while licensor is on vacation
• September 2011 licensed foster parents; and begin adoption home study
• December 2011 adoption home study approved!

2012

• January 2012 try registering with adoption websites, begin struggle with state
• February 2012 forced by state to transfer case to private agency in order to adopt; our regional DCFS office will not place foster children in our home or work with us because we want to adopt
• March 2012 begin adoption home study process all over again
• May 2012 begin home study interviews and inspection
• June 2012 fingerprinted twice, complete home study interviews
• July 2012 adoption home study complete and foster license transferred to private agency
• August 10, 2012 we learn about Junior in another region of the state, plan is adoption
• August 18, 2012 first foster placement - Junior moves in
• November 2012 state changes plan from adoption to concurrent adoption and reunification

2013

• March 2013 biological mother agrees to relinquish her parental rights
• April 2013 biological father's parental rights terminated; biological mother's relinquishment signed
• May 2013 biological mother's relinquishment filed with court and rights terminated; Open Adoption Agreement between us and biological mother filed with court; post-placement report sent to adoption lawyer and DCFS
• June 2013 Junior becomes legally free; adoption paperwork processed

Through our long, winding journey, I have developed patience, wisdom, and perseverance, experienced moments of peace and joy, learned contentment, had to forgive and ask forgiveness, been taught humility, cried many tears, ranted with frustration and spent hours praying. God has been by my side along this journey and will continue to guide me as we raise Junior to adulthood. Even after all the ink is dry on the adoption paperwork and Junior is legally ours, parenting is a lifelong commitment. As I told Junior the other day, "Even when you grow up and move out of the house, we are still your family. We are your family forever and ever. We will remain family even when we are dead. We are not going anywhere, we will remain family."

Psalm 51:1-13, New Revised Standard
1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. 4 Against you, you alone, have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are justified in your sentence and blameless when you pass judgment. 5 Indeed, I was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me. 6 You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart. 7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have crushed rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit. 13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.

Onward to Finalization!

We have been waiting months for today. Today parental rights of the biological father were terminated and the relinquishment for the biological mother will be filed some time this week, maybe even as late as next week; Junior will become legally free very soon. His reaction was, "Now I can do whatever I want!" "Um, no. It means you legally have no parents for the time being, the state is your complete guardian until the adoption."

I have contacted our lawyer who will be filing our paperwork for the finalization. The lawyer then has to request the adoption paperwork from our adoption private agency (home study, post placement report and other documentation). DCFS will transfer Junior's case from foster care to adoption within three days of him becoming legally free. DCFS still needs to draft the Open Adoption Agreement that biological mother and us verbally agreed upon during a meeting then we all need to review it before signing. Depending on how quickly all this paperwork goes, we could have adoption day in 2 to 3 months. Oftentimes, when families get to this point, they still need to complete the adoption home study, but we had that completed prior to meeting Junior. When you have to complete your adoption home study, it is 4-6 months from termination/relinquishment to finalization; therefore, it will be 2-3 months for us from termination/relinquishment to finalization. We have waited over three years for this finalization.

Romans 8:25 NRSV

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience"

Habakkuk 2:3 RSV
"For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end -- it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."

I am ecstatic about finally being so close to finalizing an adoption. At the same time, I realize Junior's biological mother is voluntarily relinquishing her parental rights and his biological father defaulted in the case so his rights were terminated by the court. While Mike, Junior and I gain so much, Junior still experiences a loss, a permanent severing of legal ties to either biological parent. I am in contact with Junior's biological mother and she is relieved the case is moving forward; she has stated numerous times she knows we will care for Junior and finish raising him with love and encouragement, but I do not know how she is processing the loss she may be feeling. I do not know what emotions Junior's biological father has experienced through this entire process nor do we know if he will continue to have any contact with us, which will be just another loss for Junior of bio father chooses to not have contact.

Adoption is about loss and gain, healing and forgiving. I am glad we can be the family for Junior as he matures plus we can provide emotional support for his teenage sister. Our family is larger by adding Junior's biological family which is quite large, but we always said it takes a village to raise a child. I continue to pray for all involved in Junior's case.

Still, my heart is full of joy, there is a dance in my step and I sing praises to the Lord for bringing us this wonderful miracle - our beautiful, 5'6" bouncing boy! Oh, how I love him! When I heard he would be legally free very soon and we are moving into the adoption stage, I shouted and danced for joy! Our wild roller coaster of unknowns is nearly done and we just deal with the wild roller coaster of parenting a teenager, oh my goodness! :)

Psalm 9:1
"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."

Our foster-adopt process:

• October 2010 began foster care classes
• December 2010 finished foster care classes and began paperwork
• January 2011 began fingerprints and background check process
• February 2011 had fingerprints redone
• March 2011 fingerprints lost in system then finally found, completed paperwork
• April 2011 background checks completed/passed and foster licensor retires
• May 2011 a different licensor re-assigned; first home study review with licensor
• June 2011 second interview with licensor
• July 2011 counselor talks with licensor, home study on hold while licensor is on vacation
• September 2011 licensed foster parents; and begin adoption home study
• December 2011 adoption home study approved!
• January 2012 try registering with adoption websites, begin struggle with state
• February 2012 forced by state to transfer case to private agency in order to adopt; our regional DCFS office will not place foster children in our home or work with us because we want to adopt
• March 2012 begin adoption home study process all over again
• May 2012 begin home study interviews and inspection
• June 2012 fingerprinted twice, complete home study interviews
• July 2012 adoption home study complete and foster license transferred to private agency
• August 10, 2012 we learn about Junior in another region of the state, plan is adoption
• August 18, 2012 first foster placement - Junior moves in
• November 2012 state changes plan from adoption to concurrent adoption and reunification
• March 2013 biological mother agrees to relinquish her parental rights
• April 2013 biological father's parental rights terminated; biological mother's relinquishment filed

Infertility and Choices

I recently met with my best friend whom I have not seen in nearly a year. Between our adoption paperwork last year and her and her husband's infertility testings last year, we both were dealing with a lot. When Mike and I were blessed with Junior later in the year, they backed off even from phone calls as it was difficult to for them to be happy for us while they continued to struggle with their empty arms. We knew this would happen as we had discussed this scenario before we were matched with Junior. Roles would have been reversed had she given birth before we received an adoptive placement. I am still infertile, but we now have a child in our family; adoption does not negate my infertility, it is an alternative for growing our family. They are still infertile and are pursuing IVF in hopes of a child. After spending several hours catching up with my best friend, one thing she said stuck with me, she said that while they have been trying fertility treatments for two years, she and her husband have been trying to conceive for four years and it has taken its emotional toll. This statement got me thinking about her journey and about my journey.

Mike and I have had years, almost decades, of emotions regarding my fertility and other health issues. I actually found out at age 15 (20 years ago), a year before meeting Mike, that I would not be birthing children. At the time, I readily accepted adoption as my only path to motherhood. I was okay with this decision for years. After we were married for 10 years and were looking at adoption options, I also explored surrogacy, but realized we would have to go through adoption even in this case since we would be using a surrogate with at least donated egg, possibly donated embryo. Regardless of our path to parenthood, our choices were: adoption or childlessness. That does not really seem like options, but thinking more about it, I realize most people do not even think about how they are going to form their family. They have sex, the woman gets pregnant, carries a health baby to term and they raise the child. That is supposed to be the standard, no-thought process. We actually had to think about how we wanted to become parents, so did my best friend and her husband. They discussed fertility treatments and adoption. They already tried IUI and are moving on to IVF. Even with IVF there are a variety of choices which the non-infertile person is not aware even exist. With adoption we have choices of: foster-adopt, domestic infant or international. We started an international adoption process but moved to foster-adopt. Even with foster-adopt, we had to choose a private agency (see A Side Step in Our Journey for previous blog post), but our choices were limited due to our location and desired age of child.

Now there are some choices we did not get to make about our child - name, age and past experiences. For many parents, picking a name for their child before birth is a wonderful thing. Since we were adopting an older child, we knew our child would come with a name; we would work with our child should he/she desires to change his/her name at the time of adoption, but the child would already be named upon arrival. As for age, we only knew our child would be over age 5, then age 8, then we moved it to age 10 and older. And past experiences, we would have no idea until we were matched.

In ways infertile couples have more choices for family planning than fertile couples, but these choices are thrust upon us because we cannot achieve parenthood in the traditional way. Since we are forced to make various choices on our path to parenthood, it elicits a variety of emotions along the way. A common emotion during these choices is anger - anger due to frustration from having to make the choices, anger at our failed bodies, anger at having to expose our lives including finances to adoption workers or infertility clinic employees, anger due to exhaustion of going through the process(es) we chose, anger at other people's ability to get pregnant or adopt quicker. So often we feel alone when we need the greatest support, we feel we are either forgotten or misunderstood by our loved ones. Our fertile family and friends may not understand our decisions or about infertility so they may avoid us or say very crass things including identifying the cause (blame) of our infertility (see Creating A Family Blog: Playing Blame Game Infertility) which only causes us more pain and anger. My best friend and I are open about our infertility and our choices with others - her fertility treatments and me adoption - so we can let other infertile couples know they are not alone; we are not alone. When we started our adoption journey, I did not expect to become so knowledgeable about the various ways to adopt, fertility treatment, surrogacy and everything else related to infertility. I am in no way an expert, but I know way more than I knew existed before we started this journey. With my friend going through IVF I am learning more about the choices she faces. Maybe, some day, by talking openly about our struggles and choices, when the next generation faces infertility, it will not be the shameful, lonely, anger-filled dark place it still remains for many of us. Hopefully each of us dealing with infertility, couples and individuals, can find peace with the decisions we have made along the way.

I'll never stop...

I was looking for a birthday card for my soon to be 13 year old. Yes, I will be the mother of a teenager in a matter of weeks. Finding a birthday card for a son I have not raised from birth, who we are not related to by blood, was a little harder than I thought. This is Junior's first birthday with us and in our family 13 is very important. I found one that wishes him the best and that we will encourage him as he matures. Finding the right words for a relationship that is still forming is important when we are still working on basic trust. We will sign the card "Mom and Dad" even though Junior still calls us by our first names. He has much larger issues to deal with as a teen in foster care than what he calls his foster-adopt parents.

"Dear Son, I'll never stop wishing the world for you. I'll never stop worrying, caring, or trying to be a soft place to land in difficult times... I'll never stop seeing, believing, or trusting in the possibilities for you... And I'll never stop being proud of what a wonderful person you are."

Only through our actions can we teach Junior that we do love him and it is more than a phrase. Being involved in church, in his school activities, helping him navigate his social life and helping him deal with the circumstances of his time in foster care allow Junior to realize we are here for him. We will encourage him, discipline him, guide him, teach him and open up his world so he can have a better understanding of the world, other people and himself. Regardless of Junior learning that we love him and encourage him, I'll never stop wishing the world for him or worrying or caring. My 99 year old grandmother still worries about her children who are in their 70s and 50s. A mother (most mothers) will always have some amount of concern and pride in the doings of her children. Junior's birth mother cares for his well being and wants him happy. She and I parent differently, but we both love Junior. If we adopt, she will not stop loving him. If she parents Junior, we will not stop loving him. We also know his birth father loves him very much, and will not stop loving him. The card I found expresses a parent's love and hopes for their child:

"I'll never stop wishing the world for you. I'll never stop worrying, caring, or trying to be a soft place to land in difficult times... I'll never stop seeing, believing, or trusting in the possibilities for you... And I'll never stop being proud of what a wonderful person you are."

Whether we raise him for six months or eight years, we are all blessed to be a family and I'll never stop loving him. While we are unsure of the future, we are "living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace".

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

Parenthood Ponderings

We are moving into a more realistic pattern of life and out of the honeymoon stage. Junior has become comfortable enough with us to mildly challenge bed times or even lose his temper at school requiring a call home from the teacher. He is learning to take responsibility for his action. During all of this I keep thinking of Junior's birth parents and how they have made choices which led to them missing so many years of his life. I am working to develop a relationship with Junior's birth parents as they should still be connected to Junior, in whatever form that takes after the adoption.

We are working with Junior to help him understand how his early childhood is connected to living with us; there are connections missing, gaps in his understanding of how each phase is connected. Then we add puberty, teen hormones and the restructuring of the brain to complicate Junior's understanding. The kid has a lot going on so it is amazing he is doing so well. He is caring, can be considerate, is gentle, friendly, helpful, funny, curious and precious.

Many people have asked me how long it will be until we finalize the adoption. I expect it will be next September, maybe later before we get to finalize and make Junior our legal son. Regardless, he is our son, we are his parents. He may not call us Mom and Dad right now, but we are parents in every sense of the word. We make sure he attends school, we feed him, we take him to appointments, we take him to church, we are silly together, we discipline him, we fix his scraped knees, we get the calls from the school when he is disciplined, we receive the praise from others who tell us Junior is a great kid, and we rejoice in the wonderful being God has created we call Junior. Yes, I have a 3-inch binder with large quantities of information on Junior I have to maintain. Yes, we have month visits with caseworkers and with birth parents. Yes, we have to report Junior's happenings to his social worker. Yes, I have several forms I have to fill out each month. We knew this was required when we became foster parents. What we did not know was who our child was going to be. It has now been two months to the day (August 18) since Junior moved in; I will be forever grateful for the leap of faith we took when we said we would meet Junior on August 10. Even if finalization is nearly a year away, we are living as a family, enjoying our time together and helping Junior develop into a young man of faith, integrity and courage. I love our son!

Pepakura and other common interests

Mike has been teaching Junior how to create a costume using pepakura. They each chose a character - Mike a Star Wars Storm Trooper and Junior a Halo Master Chief. Once the various parts are assembled in paper then Mike will cover the paper with fiberglass in his workshop. Junior has been working on assembling his paper parts - chest plate, upper arms, forearms, backpack. Mike assembled the helmet for Junior due to its complexity. They have enjoyed working on their costumes. Besides a fun project, Junior is learning spatial recognition - taking a 2-D image and constructing a 3-D model. When a mistake is made he has to problem solve as there is usually more than one way to correct the mistake.

Below is the Halo helmet in paper form.

It is exciting to see them find a common interest. They are also bike riding together now that Junior's bike has been repaired thanks to our pastor. Pastor Don repairs bicycles in his spare time, but he discovered his appointment to our church this summer does not allow for much spare time. Mike and Junior have continued to find things to do to spend time together which allows them to bond as father and son.

Bonding Continued

My husband has been trying to find something that could help him bond with Junior. Mike discovered a new hobby that Junior is interested in - Pepakura. Each of them has identified costume pieces that they printed out the pattern and are working on cutting out the shapes then glue the paper pieces together. Once the parts are assembled they will cover the model with a resin then paint them so the models act as a model. In the end they will have wearable costumes. Besides learning patience, precision, spacial recognition and problem solving skills, Junior is spending quality time with Mike.

We are forming a nice family. We are incorporating his biological family into our family. The number of people that love this young man is amazing and we are all truly blessed! I pray for him, his relatives and our parenting every night. The Lord brought us together to not just provide a home for Junior, but to enrich all our lives. We are to be in relation with each other to fulfill God's commandments.

Motherhood is unbelievable! My joy overfloweth!

Matching Process

We are in the unique matching process of trying to find our forever child. We have inquired on 16 youth so far, all age 10 to 17. One youth has been placed with his forever family. Another youth, we reviewed his file after talking with his caseworker and decided we were not a match. We are being considered for a third youth. There are many steps before we know if the youth's caseworker thinks we are a potential match then we have to review the disclosure file to decide if we want to continue forward.

Last weekend I read an article that some families have to inquire about 100 children/youth before they are matched. Others have had to inquire on 30 children/youth a month for several months until they are contacted about their match. While we have inquired about 16 and have eliminated two so far, waiting to find out more information about one, there are 13 others on our list that we are still waiting to hear about. This could be a long drawn out process as matching could take several months then we need to meet our child. Our caseworker is hoping to hear from the caseworkers of the other youth within the next two weeks, if we are going to hear from them.

Patience and prayers are still needed as we slowly work through this process.


Habakkuk 2:3 RSV
"For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."

Psalm 39:7 NRS
"And now, O Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in you."

Daniel 2:21b-23a NIV
"...he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him. I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors: You have given me wisdom and power, you have made known to me what we asked of you..."

Major Milestone Complete!

Our adoption home study is complete! Our caseworker's supervisor signed it yesterday and it was being sent off to the caseworkers of four youth we inquired about in June. These caseworkers have been waiting patiently for our home study which means they think we might be a good match for the youth they represent just based on what our caseworker told them. We are officially in the matching phase of the process. The supervisor stated we were an impressive family based on the home study. With God's strength and grace, may we live up to that expectation for our child even with our shortcomings.

After I hung up the phone with our caseworker, I danced down the hall at work. Who cares if I have to work this weekend, we are a major step closer to parenthood!! Parenthood is very close, just a matter a months, maybe weeks.

One of the last steps we had to do this week was create a photo collage of our life. I included photos of us, my side of the family, Mike's side of the family and our cat. I also included a photo of the designated "local grandparents" who have been very supportive of our adoption process. We love them to pieces. Other photos depict the house, the child's room and activities we enjoy. It went together very quickly and turned out nicely. Due to the extreme personal connections of the photos, I am not going to post the collage.

I do not feel like I am swimming through quicksand any more. It is more of a rope and wood bridge securely anchored at both ends, but swaying in the middle. High in the air, queasy stomach with anxiety, uncertain footing, but knowing the anchors are secure.

Habakkuk 2:3 RSV
"For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."

Psalm 39:7 NRS
"And now, O Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in you."

Daniel 2:21b-23a NIV
"...he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him. I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors: You have given me wisdom and power, you have made known to me what we asked of you..."

Long "Gestation" Period

Black Alpine Salamander, Photo: Wiki Commons/GNU*

Our adoption process has been compared to the gestation period of the mighty elephant. As we approach the 2-year mark of our foster-adopt process and the 2.5-year mark for our Jamaican adoption process, I researched gestational periods of other animals. Elephants carry their young for less than 2 years; we have surpassed that duration. The tiny black alpine salamander of the Alps gestate for 2 to 3 years depending on the elevation the creature lives. The dogfish shark is pregnant for 2 years while the basking shark for 3 years. The frilled shark lingers for 3.5 years before giving birth.* While our adoption processes have exceeded the gestation periods of the elephant and the dogfish shark, they have not yet exceeded the 3.5-year pregnancy of the frilled shark, the longest of all animals.

Many foster-adopt families are familiar with the long, drawn out process that fostering a child can be as the court determines if reunification or termination of parental rights (TPR) will occur. This process can take several years. Even if TPR is granted and the foster family is chosen to adopt, there may be appeals by the biological family and various delays before the adoption is finalized.

I have found it rare that families encountered so many road blocks as we have before a child is even matched. We haven't even been able to get to the point where our caseworker can talk to other caseworkers about potential children, until this month. We keep reaching the point of being able to inquire about children then get stalled. We hit that point in January and thought we were getting past that point this month.

I sure hope our "pregnancy" is not 3 years. Two years is long enough and we still have "labor" to proceed through which can be several months in itself. An encourager of ours said adoption is a "labor of Love" - a long, slow labor.

Adoption has many more unknowns than giving birth. With biological children, once you make it past the first trimester, you can expect to give birth between the 7th and 9th month. With adoption, you do not know which YEAR. Our journey continues as we wait for "gestation" to end.

*Source: Mother Nature Network
http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/animals/photos/12-animals-with-the-longest-gestation-period

Moving Forward

We had our first meeting with our caseworker from Bethany Christian on April 25. The meeting went well. We discussed in detail what causes us stress and how we deal with stress. We discussed our support system - church, family, friends and counseling. We also agreed it is in our best interest to transfer our foster license from DSHS to Bethany Christian since the state is refusing to even place children for any reason with us; we cannot even do respite care through DSHS.

Our next meeting is mid-May and our caseworker has prepared us for what to expect. She will meet with Mike for an hour then with me for an hour then she will meet with us together for an hour. The questions are going to get really personal, but with this being our fourth home study, we are not worried about getting too personal.

Our third meeting will be our foster inspection. She will note anything we need to address and then we will address it and send her a photo. The caseworker believes our adoption home study will be complete before our foster license is transferred. The state may delay their end of the paperwork just because they are understaffed and overworked.

Our goal is to begin searching for a child this summer with hopes for placement this summer or this fall. This timeline gives us time to complete a few projects around the house before a child arrives. We have replaced the kitchen backdoor and child's bathroom remodel will occur in May. There are a few other items on the "to-do" list. We are making progress and are pleased with the relationship we have developed with Bethany Christian.

As we move forward I am encountering others who are experiencing roadblocks along their adoption journey. Just two months ago we were told we had to start our process over. I have spoken with a couple of families who are licensed foster parents, but the state is not placing children with them because they want to adopt. They are exploring the opportunities of working with a private agency in order to adopt from foster care. Other couples are waiting to be matched to a young child or birth mother and are learning this may be a long wait. Some of the families I have been able to provide with resources for private agencies in their area. Other families all I can offer are prayers for peace and patience. Stating "all will occur in God's timing" does not always provide comfort to those with empty arms. When your heart wants a child, reason does not always work so I have found it helps to offer prayers of peace and patience in their lives. These prayers have worked well for us.

Philippians 4:7 (NIV)
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Daniel 2:21b-23a (NIV)
²¹...He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning.
²² He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him.
²³ I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors: You have given me wisdom and power, you have made known to me what we asked of you...

A Side Step in Our Journey

DSHS finally decided earlier this month that they will not be providing us adoption services and is getting out of the adoption business. The sole focus now is helping to keep children with their families and temporary foster care. Luckily, I had already begun contacting private adoption agencies in Washington. I found three that could provide services to us in our rural county.

I did not think it would be difficult to find an agency, that is not true. One agency limits the available children to Washington and Oregon and we felt that was too restrictive. A second agency does not want to place children over that age of 3 with us because we are untried parents and have had anxiety issues, even though they are resolved. Instead of us choosing an agency, that left us with one agency to decide if they were willing to work with us.

We know transferring our DSHS foster-adopt case to a private agency does not guarantee the agency will approve us for adopting an older child, but Bethany Christian Services is willing to work with us through the process. I have had a peaceful feeling working with their staff and our assigned social worker, even though we have not met. We have just exchanged lots of emails.

We are progressing through applications and sending our DSHS documents to the social worker via email to determine how much of the home study we have to update. We progress through this step and continue along our journey.

Continued Frustrations

Now that we have transitioned into the next phase of our adoption process and are trying to register with the various photolisting websites, we have encountered more frustrations. In order to fully register for these sites we are required to have an agency contact - name, phone number and email. Turns out the caseworker who completed our adoption home study is done with our case and will not be our contact. The local adoption social worker only represents children or works with families who have children in their homes already. I have a third DSHS employee looking into DSHS protocol and who should be our agency contact or if DSHS can even help us with this step. If DSHS cannot help us with finding a child, why did they tell us we could adopt through DSHS? I even had one DSHS employee tell us to now go with a private adoption agency after all we have gone through dealing with DSHS. If we really do need to go with a private adoption, we should have known this in 2010 so we could have worked with an agency from the beginning. We hope to have some answers by next Tuesday or I will be calling DSHS HQ to get our answers.

Until we figure out who our agency and agency contact will be, we cannot inquire about any child or youth. We have begun searching the photolistings and creating a list of potential children/youth we would like to inquire about once we can fully register with the websites. Since we have chosen not to be foster parents but to seek a child already legally free, the photolistings are really the only way for us to find a potential child/youth. The process works as follows, to my understanding:

• We submit an electronic inquiry about a child we are interested in parenting.
• The child's caseworker reviews our home study and profile.
• If the child's caseworker thinks we could be potential parents, the caseworker contacts our agency's contact and the communicate.
• Our agency contact receives information about the child and shares it with us.
• We decide to parent or not parent the child after reviewing the file.
• If the child's caseworker approves us to become the parents, we are invited to visit the child/youth and a disclosure meeting. The disclosure meeting allows us to learn about the the child's past, reason for being in foster care.
• Depending on the needs of the child/youth, we may have several days of visits before returning home.
• If fully approved to adopt the child, we will go to the child's current location and may spend several days before bringing the child/youth home.
• Once home, we establish our routine with our child/youth with a DSHS caseworker making monthly visits until we are approved to finalize the adoption.
• After six months or more, we get to finalize the adoption and make our family permanent.

We might meet our forever child this year. We might meet our forever child next year. Then there is a process to bring our child home then make the adoption finalized.

Another Step Forward

We have made progress in our adoption home study. After Thanksgiving, we met with our adoption caseworker. The first meeting we reviewed our basic history - education, family, jobs, and our current relationships with our parents and siblings. We discussed why we wanted to adopt, our foster licensing process and the training classes we have taken so far. Our second meeting we discussed our views on adoption, discipline, adoption issues and had our home inspection. The home study has been written and should be approved by our caseworker's supervisor before Christmas. This is just another step forward in our adoption process. We will see what 2012 reveals in our adventure.