Life Keeps Going

2016 has been a busy year. A is a junior and doing well in school this year. We are blessed to have his biological mom, L, living in our town now. They have really built a bond that is beneficial to both of them. It is great to see how my family has embraced L as a family member.

J & D moved into an apartment with their mom and sister this summer. Reunification is a beautiful thing. These boys were with us for nearly two years and will continue to be part of our lives. We are helping J with driver's education this fall, taking him for his required drives. Fifty hours of driving is required before he can get his license come spring. We celebrate holidays together and see them regularly.

After thinking we might be a one kid family for awhile, in October we took in another neighbor's son for the long term. AM is adjusting to our crazy clan. We have two goals with AM: (1) help him graduate high school and (2) help heal the relationship with his family.

Since we keep taking in teens not associated with foster care and the requirements to stay licensed get more stringent each year, we handed in our license. It did not make sense to us for our agency to send a caseworker for north Seattle once a year to inspect the house and interview the family when we were not taking in foster children. It is a waste of resources as I see it. We will continue to help local teens as needed by keeping them out of the foster care system and off the streets.

We officially added another family member to the clan - Hillary got married and we welcomed Johnny as our brother!

In late October we lost Isabel, our 17.5 year old cat. We got Izzy two weeks after we got married; Mike nursed her back to health the first night we got her because she got stepped on by a child. She gained the name "Rubbermaid Kitty" because she recovered overnight. This year she died in Mike's arms where she felt safe. She will be missed.

Isabel - the Christmas Village Monster

With all these changes, I threw in another one - I quit my job after 7.5 years and will begin a new job December 1. It is still fairly local so we will stay in Mason County. We are enjoying our kitchen remodel which took five months instead of six weeks. After five years of no usable kitchen, it is nice to having counters and cabinets. And we got the fridge moved from the dining room to the kitchen! Below are some before and after photos.

Before

After

Before

Before

After

Foster Care Normalacy

Once you adopt you get into a routine, a new normal. We achieved that with Junior once he became legally free in 2013. We had school, swim team, church, my work, family dinners, and family trips. Our lives did not have to include visits with caseworkers or guardian ad litums or report submittals or hearings. We could be a family.

Last September we welcomed two more kids into our family. Six months later we have somewhat of a routine, but it is dependent upon their mother's desires and schedule. We know we have the two boys every weekend. It is up to their mom if they attend church with us or with her. J spends every day after school with us until late evening. I never know during the week if we will have D so we can have two or three kids on any given day.

All three boys have adjusted to the new birth order - Junior went from an only to the oldest, J went from the oldest to the middle, and D went from the middle to the youngest. They all act like brothers with their teasing, their bickering, their joking, the laughing. This week I have been helping Junior and J figure out their high school classes with the changing regulations - Junior has one set of requirements while J has another set of requirements. They both have dreams of careers after high school. D is looking forward to entering middle school next year. It warms my heart to see our two newest additions be children, enjoy life, and feel safe. I wish we could have them full time so they could always be secure. We will see how their lives play out during the next six months. We are expecting some changes soon, but we will adjust. When arrangements are temporary you adapt as things change. Occasionally there are tears, you pray there are more smiles than frowns.

Through this all this I know God is walking with us. Protecting the boys and giving us all strength to get through the hard times. The Lord brought Junior into our lives so He could bring J and D into our lives. Three years ago we lost our battle with the state and were forced to sign with a private agency for foster-adopt. Within three years we went from no children to three children! Our cup overfloweth.

Deuteronomy 28:2 NRS
All these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the Lord you God.

Isaiah 26:4 KJV
Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength.

Extra kids

One of the things about being a foster parent is you are in tune to the troubled lives of other kids. While we have only adopted one son, we currently have two other young men at our house very frequently. Yes, a house full of smelly boys that make the house smell! The kids feel safe and protected at our home, life is stable, more normal. We include the boys on several family outings and at our family dinners. One of the brothers has joined us on vacation.

For now we are a safe place away from yelling and fights. I keep an eye out for signs of abuse, and have spoken to to CPS about the situation. For now, we are resource for the family which keeps the boys safe. We have one or both boys every weekend. I have grown to love these boys. I will protect them just as I protect my son. I will feed them, clothe them, give them shelter when needed, and always love them.

I knew one teenage boy ate a lot of food and made his bedroom and bathroom smell. Now with two teen boys and one preteen boy, they all eat a lot and, oh, do the bedroom and bathroom smell!!!! This bathroom is designated the "Boys' Bathroom" and only they use it. Us parents and our guests use the other bathroom. Andy is responsible for cleaning the Boys' Bathroom. The other week, he said he cleaned it, but it still smelled. Mike kept checking it and making Andy go in and clean it until he got all the spots on the toilet, around the toilet, and on the floor cleaned to Dad's specifications. After three or four tries, the bathroom stopped smelling. Andy's response is, "I'm not the one missing the toilet!" We told him it does not matter, he is still responsible for cleaning up the bathroom. It is times like these that I am grateful I do not smell well due to sinus problems. I know a smell is bad when I can smell it! Now that the other two boys are spending every weekend with us, we have begun to assign them some chores. They use the dishes, they create laundry, they make messes, so they might as well help clean up after themselves, take out the trash, and empty the dishwasher. These are all chores Andy does and he would be happy to share, even if just on the weekends.

Foster Care Open Adoption - Is it possible?

I am active in online adoption and foster care forums plus I am beginning to meet more people locally foster care arena. When I share our foster-adopt story, most are amazed at how open our adoption is compared with most foster care adoptions. Yes, we have a rare, extremely open, dynamic relationship with our son's maternal biological family, not just his biological mother. These relatives we treat as extended family members of our own family. They are welcome to visit us, we visit them, we exchanged contact information. Keeping these relationships going is healthy for our son.

We are also re-establishing Junior's relationship with his biological mother. While there are awkward moments, there are laughs and smiles from all of us. We two moms enjoy embarrassing our 14 year which is easy to do without trying, and he hasn't even started dating! While Mike and I have the privilege of raising Junior,  we share video and photos on Facebook so all our "family" can keep up with his happenings. I keep in touch with his biological mother via email and text throughout the month. We provide her with a list of school events and she attends when she can considering we live several hours apart. As Junior matures, he will define and refine his relationship with his biological mother. His relationship with her will be different from his relationship with me, but we all realize he has two mothers, in fact he has several mother figures, women who have raised him through the years prior to him joining our family. They are all important. For Mother's Day we sent off six cards to women who are important to his life - biological and adoptive. For Father's Day we will send off four cards to men who are important to him.

For his biological family, not all members are genetically related. His mother was adopted so his mother and sister are biological, but all other members are not related by blood. Some are just related by marriages that have since dissolved, but the people are still important to Junior.

Just as any extended family, our family has expanded to include Junior's maternal family of origin whether they are genetic relatives, adoptive relatives, stepfamily, or just important people. Family is created through love and hard work and lots of prayer.

For Junior, the open adoption is beneficial. This year he has blossomed as an 8th grader! His grades are decent, he presented to several hundred people at a safety conference with his Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD) club, and he learned to play an instrument on a Tuesday then marched in the high school Marching Band on the following Saturday. He is a likable, funny, intelligent, caring, sometimes helpful son. Junior has adjusted well to joining our family and admits his nana (my mother) is zany.

No, my son does not thank me for adopting him or for providing for him, he is 14 years old. Most teens are not grateful for what is provided until they have to provide for themselves as adults. I am grateful to be his mom and that he still talks; I know many teenage boys who switch to grunting at about age 15. Oh, does the kid talk!

Yes, open foster care adoptions are possible and can work. No, they are not beneficial for every child being adopting from foster care. The amount of openness can vary tremendously from adoption to adoption. One case may be an exchange of annual letters without photos to PO boxes to a few letters, photos, and visits a year to a very open adoption like ours. The key is to consider the beneficial health, welfare, safety, and development of the child involved. Also, the openness can fluctuate over the years depending on how the child handles the development stages. There may be times that minimal contact is beneficial while other times more openness is better. We are navigating through our first year so we will see how the openness of our adoption will fluctuate as our son progresses through adolescence.

Adoption Stories and the Media

Nationwide there have been a variety of news articles about adoptions not ending well. Reuters wrote a series about several parents who decided to use the Internet to find new homes of their adopted children they felt they could no longer parent. Other stories have told how adoptive children have been abused, even killed such as the case of Hana Williams. There has been discussion within the adoption community on whether or not adoptive parents are willing to face negative stories about adoption. There was quite the discussion at Creative Family in two blogs and within their comments: Adoptive Parents Want to Hear Only the Positive and Why Adoptive Parents Tune Out Negative Adoption Stories - 1 Simple Reason.

Media thrives on sensationalism, heart wrenching stories that grab our attention. I live in a small town with few foster parents; people who know people who adopted, the children were infants or toddlers. I wanted my little portion of the world to know that adopting a teenager from foster care could be good for the child and for the parents. I know one of the local newspaper reporters so I contacted her about writing a story about our adoption journey. Natalie came to our home, spoke to the family and took photos. We talked about why we adopted (my health), why we chose older child adoption, about the week we were matched with Junior, and how few teenagers are adopted, or how few you hear about being adopted. It was a very nice article printed on September 19 with two full color photos. Natalie captured the tone I wanted to convey without sensationalism.

According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Family, and Children's Bureau Child Welfare Outcomes Report 2008-2011 to Congress, less than 11% of foster youth, nationwide, age out of the system. In Washington, there were 1,360 children legally free waiting to be adopted, 24% of them were age 12-18. Of the 1,568 children adopted from foster care in Washington that year, 10% were in the 12-18 age range. In 2011, 407 youth emancipated out of the foster care system in Washington State, many without a connection to a long term family to call their own.

It was because of these several hundred teens who deserve a permanent tie to a family - people who will celebrate graduations, weddings, birth of children, holidays - people who will be there to support the person during a break up, after a job is lost, after the death of a loved one. No one should go through life alone. I have rejoiced with my family during the good times and relied on them for strength during the bad. We are that rock for our son. If I can encourage just one more family to open their home to another teenager, that is one more life that has a better chance of succeeding, a greater likelihood of being happy, one more life that found permanence. Adoption is not for every teen, but there is long term foster care and guardianship. Any family that is willing to say, "You are our child, you are part of our family regardless of legal standing," will help the young adult to mature into a grounded, more secure human being. That is why I opened our home and our life to a newspaper reporter.

Onward to Finalization!

We have been waiting months for today. Today parental rights of the biological father were terminated and the relinquishment for the biological mother will be filed some time this week, maybe even as late as next week; Junior will become legally free very soon. His reaction was, "Now I can do whatever I want!" "Um, no. It means you legally have no parents for the time being, the state is your complete guardian until the adoption."

I have contacted our lawyer who will be filing our paperwork for the finalization. The lawyer then has to request the adoption paperwork from our adoption private agency (home study, post placement report and other documentation). DCFS will transfer Junior's case from foster care to adoption within three days of him becoming legally free. DCFS still needs to draft the Open Adoption Agreement that biological mother and us verbally agreed upon during a meeting then we all need to review it before signing. Depending on how quickly all this paperwork goes, we could have adoption day in 2 to 3 months. Oftentimes, when families get to this point, they still need to complete the adoption home study, but we had that completed prior to meeting Junior. When you have to complete your adoption home study, it is 4-6 months from termination/relinquishment to finalization; therefore, it will be 2-3 months for us from termination/relinquishment to finalization. We have waited over three years for this finalization.

Romans 8:25 NRSV

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience"

Habakkuk 2:3 RSV
"For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end -- it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."

I am ecstatic about finally being so close to finalizing an adoption. At the same time, I realize Junior's biological mother is voluntarily relinquishing her parental rights and his biological father defaulted in the case so his rights were terminated by the court. While Mike, Junior and I gain so much, Junior still experiences a loss, a permanent severing of legal ties to either biological parent. I am in contact with Junior's biological mother and she is relieved the case is moving forward; she has stated numerous times she knows we will care for Junior and finish raising him with love and encouragement, but I do not know how she is processing the loss she may be feeling. I do not know what emotions Junior's biological father has experienced through this entire process nor do we know if he will continue to have any contact with us, which will be just another loss for Junior of bio father chooses to not have contact.

Adoption is about loss and gain, healing and forgiving. I am glad we can be the family for Junior as he matures plus we can provide emotional support for his teenage sister. Our family is larger by adding Junior's biological family which is quite large, but we always said it takes a village to raise a child. I continue to pray for all involved in Junior's case.

Still, my heart is full of joy, there is a dance in my step and I sing praises to the Lord for bringing us this wonderful miracle - our beautiful, 5'6" bouncing boy! Oh, how I love him! When I heard he would be legally free very soon and we are moving into the adoption stage, I shouted and danced for joy! Our wild roller coaster of unknowns is nearly done and we just deal with the wild roller coaster of parenting a teenager, oh my goodness! :)

Psalm 9:1
"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."

Our foster-adopt process:

• October 2010 began foster care classes
• December 2010 finished foster care classes and began paperwork
• January 2011 began fingerprints and background check process
• February 2011 had fingerprints redone
• March 2011 fingerprints lost in system then finally found, completed paperwork
• April 2011 background checks completed/passed and foster licensor retires
• May 2011 a different licensor re-assigned; first home study review with licensor
• June 2011 second interview with licensor
• July 2011 counselor talks with licensor, home study on hold while licensor is on vacation
• September 2011 licensed foster parents; and begin adoption home study
• December 2011 adoption home study approved!
• January 2012 try registering with adoption websites, begin struggle with state
• February 2012 forced by state to transfer case to private agency in order to adopt; our regional DCFS office will not place foster children in our home or work with us because we want to adopt
• March 2012 begin adoption home study process all over again
• May 2012 begin home study interviews and inspection
• June 2012 fingerprinted twice, complete home study interviews
• July 2012 adoption home study complete and foster license transferred to private agency
• August 10, 2012 we learn about Junior in another region of the state, plan is adoption
• August 18, 2012 first foster placement - Junior moves in
• November 2012 state changes plan from adoption to concurrent adoption and reunification
• March 2013 biological mother agrees to relinquish her parental rights
• April 2013 biological father's parental rights terminated; biological mother's relinquishment filed

Foster Parenting Rules: Locks

When I discuss some of the rules and regulations we have to follow, many are amazed at many of them. Some are set in state regulations while others are up to the individual caseworker. We are required to have a grate around our wood stove insert which is typically required for a child under age 8, Junior is 13 years old. Then we have locks - on everything. Medication is extremely important to lock up for small children and for teens. Young children might think it is candy and older children might try to get high. With my health issues, I have A LOT of medication. Luckily we have a built-in cupboard with two shelves. One shelf is for topical medications and the second shelf is for internal medication.

This is the combination lock system on our medication cupboard. We also have locks on the cupboards storing our chemicals - cleaning agents, detergents, lighter fluid, pest killers. The think about the laundry detergent is that Junior does his own laundry each week so this gets tricky. Any alcohol we have must be locked up since we have a teen and our workshop with the power tools is required to be locked up. The workshop is an indoor room with a locking door, only us parents have a key.

Problem with my medications is I have to carry many of them with me in my purse in case I have a food allergy attack. There are five different medications for food allergies plus ibuprofen and a couple other meds I always travel with. I put a lock on my purse, but it was clumsy and only had one main compartment. Well, I found a new purse that has a dedicated "medication" pocket. I even have a smaller purse inside that pocket that holds just my food allergy medication. Granted, the green lock against the stylish black is not very becoming and actually got a laugh out of Junior when he saw it because he knows I carry my medications. I locked the zipper to the ring for the shoulder strap (which I removed). I thought it was brilliant, it is also a way to secure my purse while traveling.

With all these locks to protect Junior and to comply with the foster parenting regulations, we must be aware to not lock our hearts. We continue the bonding process and to show our affection for him. With the uncertainty of his case, there have been times that I have wanted to protect my heart should the judge decree we do not get to parent Junior. It is too late to protect my heart and soul, I have given my life for this child, I will shatter should he leave, but I know I will survive.

While we have locked up our cupboards, our rooms and my purse, our hearts have been splayed open waiting. Waiting to learn where our road leads - continued parenthood or more empty arms. Next Tuesday is a pivotal day in his case. Please pray for all of us involved that the best interest of Junior is considered.

Yo Mom

It is difficult oftentimes to get a 13 year old boy to express his feelings or reveal the inner workings of his mind. This past week has been particularly busy plus I have not been feeling well. With multiple meetings at work, Junior's weekly schedule and the start of the holiday season, this weekend was Junior's 13th birthday party - a 2-day event. It began Friday with his school's social which I volunteered at then his first marimba performance downtown for Holiday Magic then a sleepover for his birthday. Saturday morning began early with another marimba performance, baking of his birthday cake and wrapping of presents, enjoying the local Christmas Parade, family dinner and celebration of Junior's birthday. Today was church and I attended a baby shower. 

Amongst all this busyness, Junior began introducing me as "Mom", not "Jocelyne, my mom" or "Jocelyne". Sometimes it has been, "Jocelyne, the lady I live with". Friday he introduced me to his friends as "Mom". Then today he caught me my heartstrings by surprise. We had leftover letter candies that I had used for decorating his birthday cake. In blue and green letters, Junior spelled out "YO MOM" against the brown tile of the kitchen counter. Two simple words that expressed so much love and trust and attachment. 

My greatest Christmas present that I dreamed of for so many years has come to, being Mom. I will treasure this always as every mother treasures the moment of when their child first says "mama". 

While this case is not determined yet and it will break my heart to lose Junior should the Judge grant custody to his birth mother, I will have the memory of the first time of being called "Mom".

Habakkuk 2:3 RSV
"For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end -- it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."

Psalm 39:7 NRS
"And now, O Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in you."

Daniel 2:21b-23a NIV
"...he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him. I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors; You have given me wisdom and power, you have made known to me what we asked of you..."

"YO MOM", forever imprinted on my heart!

Pathway to Peace

We have been busy parenting and dealing with Junior's case. We have had school conferences, family photos, school fundraisers, Halloween, a court hearing, homework, doctor appointments and parental visits plus phone calls to relatives. With the day-to-day busyness I have forgotten my own appointments, even ones on my electronic calendar, that I decided one night to ask God for a clear head and peace. The serenity prayer came to mind and I found the full version. The first verse is well known, but the second verse resonated with me that night and still does, particularly the first three lines of the second verse, "Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace..." These words became my mantra right before this months hearing as we did not know what to expect. We are still moving towards termination, but there are changes to the case plan.

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

We are planning Junior's birthday party and so many things keep coming up the weekend of his party that we have to decide as a family what we can and cannot participate in because we cannot clone ourselves easily. Some of the events Mike and I were looking forward to because they are annual traditions for us and it was going to be Junior's first time experiencing them, but birthday parties are more important.

Besides the normal foster care issues, we had to help Junior deal with school bullies. It broke my heart. Both Mike and me had to deal with being picked on and bullied in school. You want to put a protective bubble around your child or chide the bully for their insecurity. Since it was happening at school and he informed his teachers, the teachers were obligated to deal with the situation and we helped him come up with scenarios for dealing with bullies. Junior thinks he can take on the world by himself, but we are working with him that sometimes you need to get adults involved such as when bullies don't stop picking on you. The bullies had found a small "flaw" in Junior's appearance to exploit. He chipped one of his front teeth years ago; most people do not even notice it, but these classmates had and whispered taunts during class so no other student nor the teacher could hear or even notice that anything was happening. Now his tooth has been repaired and his smile is complete, though it was not repaired for our family photos, but it did not prevent him from smiling. Junior has a wonderful smile and hopefully the classmates will not find something else to tease about him. Middle and junior high students can be very cruel. Our role as parents is to guide Junior to deal with difficult people, how to stand up for himself without violence and how to retain resources when necessary.

We continue to provide a safe and stable home for Junior. He expresses his joy at living with us and being a part of our family. We love him, we have bonded and we are looking forward to permanency.

"Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace..."

Parenthood Ponderings

We are moving into a more realistic pattern of life and out of the honeymoon stage. Junior has become comfortable enough with us to mildly challenge bed times or even lose his temper at school requiring a call home from the teacher. He is learning to take responsibility for his action. During all of this I keep thinking of Junior's birth parents and how they have made choices which led to them missing so many years of his life. I am working to develop a relationship with Junior's birth parents as they should still be connected to Junior, in whatever form that takes after the adoption.

We are working with Junior to help him understand how his early childhood is connected to living with us; there are connections missing, gaps in his understanding of how each phase is connected. Then we add puberty, teen hormones and the restructuring of the brain to complicate Junior's understanding. The kid has a lot going on so it is amazing he is doing so well. He is caring, can be considerate, is gentle, friendly, helpful, funny, curious and precious.

Many people have asked me how long it will be until we finalize the adoption. I expect it will be next September, maybe later before we get to finalize and make Junior our legal son. Regardless, he is our son, we are his parents. He may not call us Mom and Dad right now, but we are parents in every sense of the word. We make sure he attends school, we feed him, we take him to appointments, we take him to church, we are silly together, we discipline him, we fix his scraped knees, we get the calls from the school when he is disciplined, we receive the praise from others who tell us Junior is a great kid, and we rejoice in the wonderful being God has created we call Junior. Yes, I have a 3-inch binder with large quantities of information on Junior I have to maintain. Yes, we have month visits with caseworkers and with birth parents. Yes, we have to report Junior's happenings to his social worker. Yes, I have several forms I have to fill out each month. We knew this was required when we became foster parents. What we did not know was who our child was going to be. It has now been two months to the day (August 18) since Junior moved in; I will be forever grateful for the leap of faith we took when we said we would meet Junior on August 10. Even if finalization is nearly a year away, we are living as a family, enjoying our time together and helping Junior develop into a young man of faith, integrity and courage. I love our son!

Signs of Bonding

Matthew 5:3-16 New Revised Standard
"'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. You are the salt of the earth; but if salt has lost its taste, how can its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything, but is thrown out and trampled under foot. You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hid. No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven."
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There are small signs Junior is bonding with us. Last week he thanked me for a good meal and gave me a hug around the shoulders. Tonight, he actually hugged Mike and me before going to bed. That was his first sign of affection towards Mike since moving in with us.

I have been working on bonding - tousling his hair, listening to him talk about his interests and childhood memories, telling him "I love him" and not expecting affection back, back scratches, and bandaging scraped up knees after a fall at the park. We are spending time as a family - meals, games, movies, walks, day hikes, the park, church and drives around the county. I pray our actions are truly influencing Junior's actions and he is actually bonding with us and not just showing affection because he thinks that is what we want. It is important for a child to deeply feel love and to be wanted. We do want him and we do love him unconditionally, no strings attached. Could we actually be cracking the shell that so many foster kids develop?

He's talkative, but he does not talk about emotions or anything beyond the surface too often. Junior has expressed a few distant emotions from more than a year ago. To decipher feelings we have to read between the lines, the unspoken feelings. We need to crack the shell open without causing Junior to build an iron wall for defence.

We begin family counseling this week just to work on family dynamics because we, as a family, are a work in progress. Being a family of three is new to all of us so each of us - myself, Mike and Junior - have something to learn about these new dynamics. Our lives are no longer just husband and wife, our actions and thoughts have to consider Junior. Junior is learning how he fits into this new family dynamic. Mike and I are learning to interact with each other as parents as well as loving partners. Then life includes school, work, church, friends and extended family members plus DSHS/foster care. We have had two really good weeks, but Wednesday marks real life - Junior starts school and I return to work full time. Then we will see how our family dynamics really function.

With the start of school, Junior is going to face some reality regarding his case. Now that he is over age 12, Washington State law declares he is old enough to receive his case file even if he is not emotionally ready to handle the details. Now, his copy of his case file has more information in it than my copy as a foster parent. We are not permitted to review his copy before giving it to him since we are only foster parents, but have been advised by the Guardian Ad Litum (GAL) and Social Worker to have our counselor review the case file with Junior. I already claim this boy as "my son" and want to protect him as much as possible. I understand he is legally permitted to view this information, but wish I could be there to comfort him while he views it for the first time. I trust our counselor wholeheartedly and she will surround Junior with love, protection and prayer when it is time to review the case file. Just from the copy I am permitted to read, I would not want a 12 year to review it without us there, but we do not have that choice. If Junior chooses to speak about that particular counseling session with us afterwards, we are willing to listen, comfort and answer questions to the best of our ability. We do not know what this new knowledge will do to his understanding of his self-identity, his self-worth, to his school performance, to his behavior at home, etc. Please pray for Junior and us during the month of September as we deal with some major issues. However he deals with the knowledge, we are here to love and accept him just as he is, just as our heavenly Father extends grace to us all.

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Habakkuk 2:3 Revised Standard Version
"For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end -- it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."

Psalm 39:7 New Revised Standard
"And now, O Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in you."

Daniel 2:21b-23a New International Version
"...he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him. I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors; You have given me wisdom and power, you have made known to me what we asked of you..."

A Side Step in Our Journey

DSHS finally decided earlier this month that they will not be providing us adoption services and is getting out of the adoption business. The sole focus now is helping to keep children with their families and temporary foster care. Luckily, I had already begun contacting private adoption agencies in Washington. I found three that could provide services to us in our rural county.

I did not think it would be difficult to find an agency, that is not true. One agency limits the available children to Washington and Oregon and we felt that was too restrictive. A second agency does not want to place children over that age of 3 with us because we are untried parents and have had anxiety issues, even though they are resolved. Instead of us choosing an agency, that left us with one agency to decide if they were willing to work with us.

We know transferring our DSHS foster-adopt case to a private agency does not guarantee the agency will approve us for adopting an older child, but Bethany Christian Services is willing to work with us through the process. I have had a peaceful feeling working with their staff and our assigned social worker, even though we have not met. We have just exchanged lots of emails.

We are progressing through applications and sending our DSHS documents to the social worker via email to determine how much of the home study we have to update. We progress through this step and continue along our journey.

Continued Frustrations

Now that we have transitioned into the next phase of our adoption process and are trying to register with the various photolisting websites, we have encountered more frustrations. In order to fully register for these sites we are required to have an agency contact - name, phone number and email. Turns out the caseworker who completed our adoption home study is done with our case and will not be our contact. The local adoption social worker only represents children or works with families who have children in their homes already. I have a third DSHS employee looking into DSHS protocol and who should be our agency contact or if DSHS can even help us with this step. If DSHS cannot help us with finding a child, why did they tell us we could adopt through DSHS? I even had one DSHS employee tell us to now go with a private adoption agency after all we have gone through dealing with DSHS. If we really do need to go with a private adoption, we should have known this in 2010 so we could have worked with an agency from the beginning. We hope to have some answers by next Tuesday or I will be calling DSHS HQ to get our answers.

Until we figure out who our agency and agency contact will be, we cannot inquire about any child or youth. We have begun searching the photolistings and creating a list of potential children/youth we would like to inquire about once we can fully register with the websites. Since we have chosen not to be foster parents but to seek a child already legally free, the photolistings are really the only way for us to find a potential child/youth. The process works as follows, to my understanding:

• We submit an electronic inquiry about a child we are interested in parenting.
• The child's caseworker reviews our home study and profile.
• If the child's caseworker thinks we could be potential parents, the caseworker contacts our agency's contact and the communicate.
• Our agency contact receives information about the child and shares it with us.
• We decide to parent or not parent the child after reviewing the file.
• If the child's caseworker approves us to become the parents, we are invited to visit the child/youth and a disclosure meeting. The disclosure meeting allows us to learn about the the child's past, reason for being in foster care.
• Depending on the needs of the child/youth, we may have several days of visits before returning home.
• If fully approved to adopt the child, we will go to the child's current location and may spend several days before bringing the child/youth home.
• Once home, we establish our routine with our child/youth with a DSHS caseworker making monthly visits until we are approved to finalize the adoption.
• After six months or more, we get to finalize the adoption and make our family permanent.

We might meet our forever child this year. We might meet our forever child next year. Then there is a process to bring our child home then make the adoption finalized.

A new start for a new year

Isaiah 1:17 New Revised Standard Version
"learn to do good; seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow"

Our adoption home study was completed December 21 and December 22 we got a call to begin visitation for two little boys on December 28. It was two crazy days to prepare for the trip and for Christmas. We traveled two days after Christmas with high hopes, all excited to meet our potential future children. We didn't quite know what to expect.

After an 8 hour drive, we settled into our hotel room then prepared for our meeting with DSHS and with the boys the next day. This led to the first fight that my dear husband and I had in several years; it was a doozy, but we came to an understanding to be open minded during the rest of the week.

The next morning we met with the caseworker for about 45 minutes then met the boys with their foster mom. Our nine-hour visit extended across several situations - DSHS visitation room, a walk outside, lunch at a fast food restaurant and many hours at the foster parents' home. We experienced firsthand the joys and needs of the boys. The day was special, educational and eye-opening. That evening, my husband and I had a long conversation late into the night about the needs of the children, our ability to meet their needs and our expectations of parenthood.

The second morning there was a family team decision meeting. On the way to this meeting, we finally decided what our answer would be if we were asked if we would parent the boys. These boys are distant relatives of mine so other family members were present at the meeting who did not know our decision. My husband and I made a very difficult and heartbreaking decision that we could not provide for the long term needs of the boys.

We know our decision is extremely painful and difficult for my relatives to accept, but we had to do what we thought was in the best interest of the boys. They are currently in a good home, having their needs well met and are loved by many. I will continue to pray for the boys as their case is still to be decided.

Today we are emotionally recovering from this past week. We have learned a lot about ourselves and the type of child we are comfortable parenting. We have decided a single older child would be more suitable for us. With the new year, we will prayerfully search for the child God has chosen for our family.

Our adoption journey continues, but we are wiser from our experiences of 2011. Our marriage is still strong and united. We will continue to pray, discern, and learn during 2012.

Another Step Forward

We have made progress in our adoption home study. After Thanksgiving, we met with our adoption caseworker. The first meeting we reviewed our basic history - education, family, jobs, and our current relationships with our parents and siblings. We discussed why we wanted to adopt, our foster licensing process and the training classes we have taken so far. Our second meeting we discussed our views on adoption, discipline, adoption issues and had our home inspection. The home study has been written and should be approved by our caseworker's supervisor before Christmas. This is just another step forward in our adoption process. We will see what 2012 reveals in our adventure.

Finding grace

November is National Adoption Month and today is Adoption Sunday. There are stories of so many families created through adoption. During these celebrations, what is not discussed are the years of waiting, the mounds of paperwork and the frustrations each family experiences to bring their precious children home. In the past ten years, the adoption process - domestic and international - has become longer and there is more scrutiny about the potential adoptive parents.

The past three weeks, I have made contact with about four different people at DSHS trying to see if we can move our process along. At this point it looks like we will not be moving our foster-adopt process along any faster. Our adoption caseworker is overloaded and we just have to wait until she can find time to meet with us. Then I have to make a call to the foster care Placement Coordinator later this month to find out if she can found out if she can help us with getting a suitable placement. Being told that these two women are the only two people in the entire state who might be able to help us create our family is, in a way, frustrating and disheartening.

At this point, I have to find the grace to allow DSHS to go through their process even if I think they are moving too slowly. I have to find the grace to deal with the state workers who tell me I must continue to wait patiently for weeks and possibly months. I have to find the grace to find ways to make changes in the foster care system that benefit children while I hear of teens aging out of the system without permanent families.

I pray for grace, patience and forgiveness as we move through our adoption process and wait for our child to come home. As we get closer to the holiday season, it will be harder for me to not lose faith that we will have our precious child in our home come this time next year. I had this wish last year and this will be my wish until we have a child in our home.

Navigating Foster Care

Over the last month, I have attempted to make as many contacts as possible at DSHS to see who might be best able to help us with our foster-adopt process. Most of the people I have spoken to have been unhelpful. One woman who may be of assistance will not be in the office until mid-November. So I have to wait to contact the Placement Coordinator who might be able to match us to a child waiting for a forever family or who is moving from reunification to adoption placement. I have talked to different people in the Shelton office, in Thurston County and in Benton County. I feel like I am running out of people to talk to at this point. We should be meeting with our caseworker in November, finally. I am beyond frustration at this point; I am just about resigned to just go along for the ride, but I have not given up to fight for out child and for the rest of the children in foster care. I have spoken to:

• foster licensor
• assigned caseworker
• caseworker in another county
• foster licensor supervisor
• interim foster Placement Coordinator
• fingerprinting center
• part time adoption caseworker
• DSHS workers at HQ
• Sr Aide to State Representative
• other foster families

We are into this process 12 months already. From my communications with other foster-adopt families throughout the country, some had placements within a year of starting their process while others endure years of slow processing. It looks like we will be going through a multi-year process.

While we wait for DSHS to go through their steps, a child is waiting for their forever family which we could provide. There is a child hoping, wishing, wondering when he/she will have a forever family. Each night I pray for our child, our child continues to live in uncertainty. I pray his/her foster family is loving, caring, protective, secure, therapeutic and supportive. One day, we will work together to transition the child to our home.

I still have the fire inside me to keep fighting for the children waiting in foster care for permanency. It will be a long process just to make changes in my local DSHS office, let alone changes further up the chain of command. While our process may be long and unpredictable, I hope to make the path better for future foster-adopt families.

Romans 8:25

Romans 8:25 New Revised Standard

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience"

As we progress through the adoption process, I have been hoping and praying and asking the Lord for patience. I do not know how our journey will end, what turns our path will take or what adventures we may experience along the way.

It has seemed like a very slow process. I am trying to contact all people I can in DSHS throughout Washington State to determine who may be the best people to help us get a child placed in our home. I have found a caseworker in another county to be very helpful. I have a lead on a Foster Child Placement Coordinator who returns in November who might be able to help match us with a child who is either legally free or nearly legally free. We are waiting for our fingerprints to be processed so our caseworker will make set our first meeting. She has been willing to meet with other families before their prints have been completed, but she has not wanted to meet with us until our prints are processed.

Perseverance, patience and passion will get us through this process. And I hope to be able to identify some changes that need to be made in our local foster care system to better serve the children in care. I came across a 2002 study that children spend on average 43 months in foster care. Nearly four years of a child's life is a long time for any child, but especially a child who has experienced chaos, abuse, and/or neglect before experience temporary family life in foster care. Children deserve permanency sooner - either with their original family or with an adoptive family. Every child deserves to have a family that cares about their milestones - first loose tooth, sporting events, school events, birthdays, dances, holidays, first date, driver license, graduation, first job, first house, significant relationship/marriage, and children of their own. Even teens who are not adopted need a permanent family to call their own willing to remain family for the rest of their lives.

With God's strength, I will persevere through this process. With His strength, I will have the grace and patience to deal with the bureaucracy of the adoption process. The child God has chosen for us is out there waiting for a forever family just as we are waiting for the child. I know in my heart all good happens in God's time, but waiting can be extremely difficult, especially when one sees injustice occurring to children. While we wait, I will do what I can to help children waiting in Washington State.

We are moving forward!

Our foster-adopt process has quickly moved forward. Now that we are licensed foster parents (the license will be in the mail this week), the adoption section of DSHS has mailed us the adoption paperwork. The paperwork was mailed on September 12, we picked up our mail September 14. The "Welcome" letter stated we were to get all our paperwork, in by September 30. After I have been asking to speak with an adoption caseworker or at least get the paperwork for months, they give us 17 calendar days to submit our paperwork? Or what? There was no explanation of what happens if this deadline is not met. As organized as I am, I got our portion of the paperwork completed and mailed back to DSHS on September 16. The four references will be mailed this week and my husband's medical form will be mailed this week, also. I luckily had a doctor's appointment already scheduled for September 15 and took mine in and got it filled out that day. I also sent an email to the caseworker asking for clarification on statements in the letter. The letter says we have to go through the fingerprinting process all over again. I will do this if need be, but is this really necessary if WSP and DSHS already has our prints and just has to run them through the system? It would save time and effort on our part and save tax payer dollars which are stretched very thin already.

Thursday I met with my State Representative's Senior Aide about our case and discussed the good and the bad about our process. We agree there are communication and process issues that need to be addressed in the local DSHS office. Since July 2010 the Foster Licensors have told us we do not need to be licensed to pursue adoption, but the Adoption Caseworkers have told us they will not talk to us until we are licensed foster parents - message disconnect. Getting phone calls returned from DSHS is nearly impossible unless I call three times in one week. The office did not re-assign us a licensor when ours retired even after I got the Representative's office involved. I had to call and demand the contact information for a licensor so we could proceed. I have been refused the supervisor information when I ask for the name and phone number of the Adoption Supervisor. I only got this information when we became licensed foster parents. Then they give us this 17-day deadline which does not make any sense. Not everyone can get their doctor to respond within 15 days; luckily I already had an appointment and our doctors are really easy to work with and know we are working through the adoption process.

Once ALL the paperwork is in, I wonder how long it will take the caseworker to set up our first meeting. The letter stated we will have several 2-hour meetings. Much of the Caseworker's (CW) concern is our lifetime commitment to adoption, parental training we have received and resources we may utilize after placement and adoption. We have gone through all this with our previous two home studies so we will review what we know and plan to do after placement - counseling, discipline techniques, family integration, educational services, etc. I know very little about this CW, just name and contact information. I do not know of any local families that have dealt with the person and have not heard his name before this month so he may be new. This adoption home study process could go quickly or it could drag on for another year as some families locally have said it is taking 9-12 months for the adoption home study.

Patience. This is a practice in patience, hope and faith. I pray for the child waiting for a home who will be eventually placed in our home. We are adopting a child who is available for adoption and has been in care for an unknown amount of time. It makes my soul ache to know this child lingers in foster care wishing, hoping, praying for a family while we are wishing, hoping, praying for a child. All the child and we can do at this moment is wait for the system. One day that child will be set free from the system and achieve permanence as our child. Permanence. That is a good topic for my next blog post. As the verse below states, I will come to you. We just do not know when that day will be; the timing is in God's hands who watches over us and protects us.

John 14:18 (New King James Version)
I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you.

Foster Care vs International Adoption

As we slowly trudge through the foster-adopt gazillion step process, I wonder which is going to place a child in our home first - foster-adopt or Jamaican adoption. As slow as international adoption can be - 4+ years - it is beginning to seem like adopting from the US foster care system is just as slow. I am finding it is a multi-year process just to be able to begin looking for a child from foster care. Below is the process we have followed so far for both adoption processes. Many people do not realize the years of work needed that lead up to a match; much of the training, meetings and paperwork are done behind the scenes.


Foster-adopt:

• October 2010 began foster care classes


• December 2010 finished foster care classes and began paperwork


• January 2011 began fingerprints and background check process


• February 2011 had prints redone


• March 2011 fingerprints lost in system then finally found, completed paperwork


• April 2011 background checks completed/passed and foster licensor retires


• May 2011 a different licensor re-assigned; first home study review with licensor


• June 2011 second interview with licensor


• July 2011 counselor talks with licensor, home study on hold while licensor is on vacation


• August 2011 plan to have foster home study completed and have license approved


• September 2011 begin adoption home study which could take more than 6 months

Jamaican Adoption:

• November 2009 contacted home study agency


• December 2009 began paperwork for international adoption


• March 2010 met with home study caseworker, home inspection and began classes


• April 2010 physical exams for home study


• September 2010 home study completed


• October 2010 two copies of home study sent to Jamaica and one sent to USCIS


• January 2011 fingerprints for USCIS taken and processed


• February 2011 approval from USCIS to adopt from Jamaica and home study forwarded to US Embassy in Kingston, Jamaica


• Now we just wait for a match


• Once we get a match, it is 2-3 years before we get to bring the child home

If it seems people are getting through their adoptions quickly, remember they most likely have been working behind the scenes for years. Some families do not announce they are adopting until they have a match so the public process is truncated. No one "just adopts"; you have to consciously decide to adopt, proceed through the grueling process and wait years.

Finding peace and patience with the adoption process is all I can do to keep moving towards the dream of expanding our family.