Adoption by Special Needs Parents

There are many resources, articles and blogs out there for people who want to adopt special needs children. Specials needs range from mild to severe, medical, physical, psychological, and emotional. There is not much out there about parents who have special needs themselves who adopt.

My health problems make me special needs. I even had a 504 in school (similar to an Individual Education Plan, or IEP). It is due to my health that Mike and I cannot have biological children. My husband has a sleep disorder and an anxiety disorder. During the home study process, we had to discuss with the caseworker how our health might impact the life of a child. We had to get medical clearances from our doctors and our therapist that we were fit (physically, psychologically, and emotionally) to parent.

The greatest impact would be an anaphylactic episode. Luckily, since Junior has moved in, I have not had an episode requiring a trip to the ER. We have taught Junior what to do in case I need an ambulance and to follow the directions of the dispatcher. I have had allergic reactions to food in the 18 months Junior has lived with us, but I have been able to treat them with medication and not need my Epi-pen or medical aid. Other times, I hurt so bad from a Sjogren's flare I cannot get out of bed. About six months after Junior joined our family, I had three days I stuck in bed and he had to be very quiet when he was home. I wanted to interact with him, but was too ill to get out of bed. Mike had to be full time parent and Junior did really well during those three days. He even came in to check on me after school.

I know parents out there have taught their children how to respond should a parent have a diabetic, seizure, or heart problem. When children grow up learning these things, it is a way of life. Being brought into a special needs family, the family needs to consider the needs of the adopted child. Is the child capable of dealing with the family's issues while having his/her own needs met? Many adopted children come with emotional and psychological issues that the family should be able to address even if a parent's special need is in a flare or having an episode. I know with my anaphylactic episodes would terrify some children; a child that has gone through a lot of trauma would fear me dying.

As a special needs parent, I have more than just the needs of the child to consider. I have to consider how my health might impact the child's life or how the child might respond to one of my health episodes. You can parent an adopted child if you are an adult with special needs. I highly recommend speaking with your medical doctor and/or your therapist about how your health would impact the life of a child, how the life of a child would impact your health, what your limitations may be, and what support you may need.

For us, adopting a preteen/teen with few special needs was a better match than a very young child or a child with severe special needs. We needed a child who could dress himself, could care for self grooming, could fix a snack or simple meal, and could attend school. With our desires, we were matched with Junior. He has been a blessing to our family and adds to our joy.

Full Time Parenting

We are definitely into full time parenting. No more caseworkers to report to each month, no more monthly reports to type up, no reports to the court or tracking of every illness and boo-boo our son gets. It is just two parents and a kid - a kid who caught the back-to-school cold and gave it to Dad. While life is not exciting, no longer full of anticipation, it is just day-to-day living and standard parenting a great kid. Yes, Junior is now sick, picked up a cold the second week of school and shared his germs with Dad. I am hoping this Mom does not get it, but my luck I will get the cold just as I need to give two presentations at a conference next week! This week I am gone for two days so I am monitoring his temp. He has not missed school yet, but the cold is progressing and should be peaking soon.

Thursday is School Picture Day. I have to leave town by 5:30 am, an hour before Junior wakes up. I will check his temp before I leave; if it is okay, I will call him while I am on the road (pulling over to make the call) so he wakes up for school. Next week while I am away for business, I will call each morning to get him up. I made similar calls this past May when I was gone for a week; I was his alarm clock. At night we talked about how school went.

Tonight, as I prepare for my first day of many over the next two weeks to be away, I am listening to my son cough as he tries to fall asleep. I want to make the cold go away, but at the same time know he is building new antibodies to this virus. Going to go try some home remedies to help him sleep tonight.

Pathway to Peace

We have been busy parenting and dealing with Junior's case. We have had school conferences, family photos, school fundraisers, Halloween, a court hearing, homework, doctor appointments and parental visits plus phone calls to relatives. With the day-to-day busyness I have forgotten my own appointments, even ones on my electronic calendar, that I decided one night to ask God for a clear head and peace. The serenity prayer came to mind and I found the full version. The first verse is well known, but the second verse resonated with me that night and still does, particularly the first three lines of the second verse, "Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace..." These words became my mantra right before this months hearing as we did not know what to expect. We are still moving towards termination, but there are changes to the case plan.

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

We are planning Junior's birthday party and so many things keep coming up the weekend of his party that we have to decide as a family what we can and cannot participate in because we cannot clone ourselves easily. Some of the events Mike and I were looking forward to because they are annual traditions for us and it was going to be Junior's first time experiencing them, but birthday parties are more important.

Besides the normal foster care issues, we had to help Junior deal with school bullies. It broke my heart. Both Mike and me had to deal with being picked on and bullied in school. You want to put a protective bubble around your child or chide the bully for their insecurity. Since it was happening at school and he informed his teachers, the teachers were obligated to deal with the situation and we helped him come up with scenarios for dealing with bullies. Junior thinks he can take on the world by himself, but we are working with him that sometimes you need to get adults involved such as when bullies don't stop picking on you. The bullies had found a small "flaw" in Junior's appearance to exploit. He chipped one of his front teeth years ago; most people do not even notice it, but these classmates had and whispered taunts during class so no other student nor the teacher could hear or even notice that anything was happening. Now his tooth has been repaired and his smile is complete, though it was not repaired for our family photos, but it did not prevent him from smiling. Junior has a wonderful smile and hopefully the classmates will not find something else to tease about him. Middle and junior high students can be very cruel. Our role as parents is to guide Junior to deal with difficult people, how to stand up for himself without violence and how to retain resources when necessary.

We continue to provide a safe and stable home for Junior. He expresses his joy at living with us and being a part of our family. We love him, we have bonded and we are looking forward to permanency.

"Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace..."

Licensed Parenting

We finally got our letter from DSHS stating they have received our foster home license application and that they hope to have us licensed within 90 days. But - there could be a delay with the licensor's retirement as of April 20. No mention of how they plan to re-assign our case or contact information for someone once the licensor leaves the office. Luckily, I do have the phone number of his supervisor, but this leaves me hurt and frustrated.

The pain in my heart is overshadowing the sunshine we are experiencing amidst the winter like weather. I cannot focus on anything, but my desire to have a child. The foster care system still has many flaws. The focus of Washington State is to reunite children with their families which is ideal if those families can provide shelter, food, education and safety. There are many children in foster care who have been in state care for years, but parental rights are still not terminated while children wait for stability and a permanent home. It angers me to know there are thousands of children who need homes and we are a home needing children, but the hoops we have to jump through seem outrages while there are women out there still having children who have had them all removed from her custody.

Our lives have been exposed every aspect of our lives on paper - medical, financial, upbringing, personal, professional, educational, friendships, pets, home, spiritual - to prove we will be good parents. We still have to discuss all these aspects with the licensor and have our home inspected to make sure it complies with the foster home laws and will be a safe place for our child. Once we do all that, we then submit our paperwork to another state hoping they decide we are the ideal parents for a child legally free and waiting for a permanent home. It is during all this that I am in favor of all prospective parents (biological or adoptive) being required to attend parenting classes and receive a license prior to being allowed to have a child in the home. I know many biological parents oppose this idea, but those of us who have to go through this process in order to adopt, we would like to share the exposure.

Intellectually I understand the reasons for the scrutiny of adoptive parents, but when the heart aches for a child, intellect is overruled by emotions. My husband has found that logic is even overruled by my emotions. Getting angry at the delays of our home study are not logical as the home study will most likely be completed by the end of summer. At this time, I do not care about logic or intellect, we are dealing with matters of a mother's heart. I have a fully equipped child's room waiting for a child. I have toys, books, games, movies and music waiting for a child. I have arms aching for a child.