Preparing for Finalization and Family Forever

This month we have been preparing for finalization now that Junior is legally free for adoption. There have been lots of emails and phone calls between us, DCFS, the adoption agency and our adoption lawyer. We waited three weeks, but finally received our adoption paperwork that needed to be filled out and signed. The packet also included all of Junior's disclosure documentation; nothing really new, it just filled in some details. Thursday (tomorrow) I will mail the completed packet back to the adoption caseworker at DCFS and Adoption Support Services has about three weeks to process the paperwork. Once DCFS completes their processing, they forward certified copies to our lawyer for processing so we can get a court date for finalization. Typically 6 to 8 weeks from now we could finalize the adoption. During review of the disclosure documents I did find a clerical error in the termination order for the biological father so we are waiting for the Assistant Attorney General's reply - does the order need to be refiled with the error corrected and if so, how long will it take to get this processed.

In regards to bio mother, we are in a type of limbo now that her rights are relinquished and the adoption is not finalized. Oftentimes, DCFS will highly encourage the prospective adoptive families not to have contact with the biological parents until after finalization. In Junior's case, they have left it up to our discretion - contact is what is in Junior's best interest. I am currently in contact with bio mother on an occasional basis. We did arrange a supervised visit to her hometown since we were up her direction. It was a good visit for us, Junior and bio mother. She seems to have found peace and I am glad for her and for Junior.

Our long journey from no children to becoming legal parents is nearly complete. It was a two-year process from my first call to DSHS about becoming foster-adopt parents to getting our first placement, but about a year from placement to finalization. It is amazing how our lives have changed in less than one year when Junior entered our routine lives. August 18 will be our one year anniversary as a family. He had me at "Hi" on August 11, 2012, the day we met - two adults wanting to become his new parents and a young man not sure he was ready to leave the only town he ever lived in, but not having much choice in where he got to live. Ten months later, we are a functional, caring family expanded to include his biological family, his former foster family and all the other people who love and care for him. Our village is not just Shelton, we have a support system that extends into eastern Washington, northern Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Ohio, Louisiana, California, Illinois, Texas, Maine, Finland and other places around the globe. Junior has many people praying for him, many people who care about him, many people who mentor him, and many people he calls Family.

Our adoption process:
2010

• July 2010 first call to DSHS about becoming foster-adopt parents
• October 2010 began foster care classes
• December 2010 finished foster care classes and began paperwork

2011

• January 2011 began fingerprints and background check process
• February 2011 had fingerprints redone
• March 2011 fingerprints lost in system then finally found, completed paperwork
• April 2011 background checks completed/passed and foster licensor retires
• May 2011 a different licensor re-assigned; first home study review with licensor
• June 2011 second interview with licensor
• July 2011 counselor talks with licensor, home study on hold while licensor is on vacation
• September 2011 licensed foster parents; and begin adoption home study
• December 2011 adoption home study approved!

2012

• January 2012 try registering with adoption websites, begin struggle with state
• February 2012 forced by state to transfer case to private agency in order to adopt; our regional DCFS office will not place foster children in our home or work with us because we want to adopt
• March 2012 begin adoption home study process all over again
• May 2012 begin home study interviews and inspection
• June 2012 fingerprinted twice, complete home study interviews
• July 2012 adoption home study complete and foster license transferred to private agency
• August 10, 2012 we learn about Junior in another region of the state, plan is adoption
• August 18, 2012 first foster placement - Junior moves in
• November 2012 state changes plan from adoption to concurrent adoption and reunification

2013

• March 2013 biological mother agrees to relinquish her parental rights
• April 2013 biological father's parental rights terminated; biological mother's relinquishment signed
• May 2013 biological mother's relinquishment filed with court and rights terminated; Open Adoption Agreement between us and biological mother filed with court; post-placement report sent to adoption lawyer and DCFS
• June 2013 Junior becomes legally free; adoption paperwork processed

Through our long, winding journey, I have developed patience, wisdom, and perseverance, experienced moments of peace and joy, learned contentment, had to forgive and ask forgiveness, been taught humility, cried many tears, ranted with frustration and spent hours praying. God has been by my side along this journey and will continue to guide me as we raise Junior to adulthood. Even after all the ink is dry on the adoption paperwork and Junior is legally ours, parenting is a lifelong commitment. As I told Junior the other day, "Even when you grow up and move out of the house, we are still your family. We are your family forever and ever. We will remain family even when we are dead. We are not going anywhere, we will remain family."

Psalm 51:1-13, New Revised Standard
1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. 4 Against you, you alone, have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are justified in your sentence and blameless when you pass judgment. 5 Indeed, I was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me. 6 You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart. 7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have crushed rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit. 13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.

Onward to Finalization!

We have been waiting months for today. Today parental rights of the biological father were terminated and the relinquishment for the biological mother will be filed some time this week, maybe even as late as next week; Junior will become legally free very soon. His reaction was, "Now I can do whatever I want!" "Um, no. It means you legally have no parents for the time being, the state is your complete guardian until the adoption."

I have contacted our lawyer who will be filing our paperwork for the finalization. The lawyer then has to request the adoption paperwork from our adoption private agency (home study, post placement report and other documentation). DCFS will transfer Junior's case from foster care to adoption within three days of him becoming legally free. DCFS still needs to draft the Open Adoption Agreement that biological mother and us verbally agreed upon during a meeting then we all need to review it before signing. Depending on how quickly all this paperwork goes, we could have adoption day in 2 to 3 months. Oftentimes, when families get to this point, they still need to complete the adoption home study, but we had that completed prior to meeting Junior. When you have to complete your adoption home study, it is 4-6 months from termination/relinquishment to finalization; therefore, it will be 2-3 months for us from termination/relinquishment to finalization. We have waited over three years for this finalization.

Romans 8:25 NRSV

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience"

Habakkuk 2:3 RSV
"For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end -- it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."

I am ecstatic about finally being so close to finalizing an adoption. At the same time, I realize Junior's biological mother is voluntarily relinquishing her parental rights and his biological father defaulted in the case so his rights were terminated by the court. While Mike, Junior and I gain so much, Junior still experiences a loss, a permanent severing of legal ties to either biological parent. I am in contact with Junior's biological mother and she is relieved the case is moving forward; she has stated numerous times she knows we will care for Junior and finish raising him with love and encouragement, but I do not know how she is processing the loss she may be feeling. I do not know what emotions Junior's biological father has experienced through this entire process nor do we know if he will continue to have any contact with us, which will be just another loss for Junior of bio father chooses to not have contact.

Adoption is about loss and gain, healing and forgiving. I am glad we can be the family for Junior as he matures plus we can provide emotional support for his teenage sister. Our family is larger by adding Junior's biological family which is quite large, but we always said it takes a village to raise a child. I continue to pray for all involved in Junior's case.

Still, my heart is full of joy, there is a dance in my step and I sing praises to the Lord for bringing us this wonderful miracle - our beautiful, 5'6" bouncing boy! Oh, how I love him! When I heard he would be legally free very soon and we are moving into the adoption stage, I shouted and danced for joy! Our wild roller coaster of unknowns is nearly done and we just deal with the wild roller coaster of parenting a teenager, oh my goodness! :)

Psalm 9:1
"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."

Our foster-adopt process:

• October 2010 began foster care classes
• December 2010 finished foster care classes and began paperwork
• January 2011 began fingerprints and background check process
• February 2011 had fingerprints redone
• March 2011 fingerprints lost in system then finally found, completed paperwork
• April 2011 background checks completed/passed and foster licensor retires
• May 2011 a different licensor re-assigned; first home study review with licensor
• June 2011 second interview with licensor
• July 2011 counselor talks with licensor, home study on hold while licensor is on vacation
• September 2011 licensed foster parents; and begin adoption home study
• December 2011 adoption home study approved!
• January 2012 try registering with adoption websites, begin struggle with state
• February 2012 forced by state to transfer case to private agency in order to adopt; our regional DCFS office will not place foster children in our home or work with us because we want to adopt
• March 2012 begin adoption home study process all over again
• May 2012 begin home study interviews and inspection
• June 2012 fingerprinted twice, complete home study interviews
• July 2012 adoption home study complete and foster license transferred to private agency
• August 10, 2012 we learn about Junior in another region of the state, plan is adoption
• August 18, 2012 first foster placement - Junior moves in
• November 2012 state changes plan from adoption to concurrent adoption and reunification
• March 2013 biological mother agrees to relinquish her parental rights
• April 2013 biological father's parental rights terminated; biological mother's relinquishment filed

Infertility and Choices

I recently met with my best friend whom I have not seen in nearly a year. Between our adoption paperwork last year and her and her husband's infertility testings last year, we both were dealing with a lot. When Mike and I were blessed with Junior later in the year, they backed off even from phone calls as it was difficult to for them to be happy for us while they continued to struggle with their empty arms. We knew this would happen as we had discussed this scenario before we were matched with Junior. Roles would have been reversed had she given birth before we received an adoptive placement. I am still infertile, but we now have a child in our family; adoption does not negate my infertility, it is an alternative for growing our family. They are still infertile and are pursuing IVF in hopes of a child. After spending several hours catching up with my best friend, one thing she said stuck with me, she said that while they have been trying fertility treatments for two years, she and her husband have been trying to conceive for four years and it has taken its emotional toll. This statement got me thinking about her journey and about my journey.

Mike and I have had years, almost decades, of emotions regarding my fertility and other health issues. I actually found out at age 15 (20 years ago), a year before meeting Mike, that I would not be birthing children. At the time, I readily accepted adoption as my only path to motherhood. I was okay with this decision for years. After we were married for 10 years and were looking at adoption options, I also explored surrogacy, but realized we would have to go through adoption even in this case since we would be using a surrogate with at least donated egg, possibly donated embryo. Regardless of our path to parenthood, our choices were: adoption or childlessness. That does not really seem like options, but thinking more about it, I realize most people do not even think about how they are going to form their family. They have sex, the woman gets pregnant, carries a health baby to term and they raise the child. That is supposed to be the standard, no-thought process. We actually had to think about how we wanted to become parents, so did my best friend and her husband. They discussed fertility treatments and adoption. They already tried IUI and are moving on to IVF. Even with IVF there are a variety of choices which the non-infertile person is not aware even exist. With adoption we have choices of: foster-adopt, domestic infant or international. We started an international adoption process but moved to foster-adopt. Even with foster-adopt, we had to choose a private agency (see A Side Step in Our Journey for previous blog post), but our choices were limited due to our location and desired age of child.

Now there are some choices we did not get to make about our child - name, age and past experiences. For many parents, picking a name for their child before birth is a wonderful thing. Since we were adopting an older child, we knew our child would come with a name; we would work with our child should he/she desires to change his/her name at the time of adoption, but the child would already be named upon arrival. As for age, we only knew our child would be over age 5, then age 8, then we moved it to age 10 and older. And past experiences, we would have no idea until we were matched.

In ways infertile couples have more choices for family planning than fertile couples, but these choices are thrust upon us because we cannot achieve parenthood in the traditional way. Since we are forced to make various choices on our path to parenthood, it elicits a variety of emotions along the way. A common emotion during these choices is anger - anger due to frustration from having to make the choices, anger at our failed bodies, anger at having to expose our lives including finances to adoption workers or infertility clinic employees, anger due to exhaustion of going through the process(es) we chose, anger at other people's ability to get pregnant or adopt quicker. So often we feel alone when we need the greatest support, we feel we are either forgotten or misunderstood by our loved ones. Our fertile family and friends may not understand our decisions or about infertility so they may avoid us or say very crass things including identifying the cause (blame) of our infertility (see Creating A Family Blog: Playing Blame Game Infertility) which only causes us more pain and anger. My best friend and I are open about our infertility and our choices with others - her fertility treatments and me adoption - so we can let other infertile couples know they are not alone; we are not alone. When we started our adoption journey, I did not expect to become so knowledgeable about the various ways to adopt, fertility treatment, surrogacy and everything else related to infertility. I am in no way an expert, but I know way more than I knew existed before we started this journey. With my friend going through IVF I am learning more about the choices she faces. Maybe, some day, by talking openly about our struggles and choices, when the next generation faces infertility, it will not be the shameful, lonely, anger-filled dark place it still remains for many of us. Hopefully each of us dealing with infertility, couples and individuals, can find peace with the decisions we have made along the way.

Foster Parenting Rules: Locks

When I discuss some of the rules and regulations we have to follow, many are amazed at many of them. Some are set in state regulations while others are up to the individual caseworker. We are required to have a grate around our wood stove insert which is typically required for a child under age 8, Junior is 13 years old. Then we have locks - on everything. Medication is extremely important to lock up for small children and for teens. Young children might think it is candy and older children might try to get high. With my health issues, I have A LOT of medication. Luckily we have a built-in cupboard with two shelves. One shelf is for topical medications and the second shelf is for internal medication.

This is the combination lock system on our medication cupboard. We also have locks on the cupboards storing our chemicals - cleaning agents, detergents, lighter fluid, pest killers. The think about the laundry detergent is that Junior does his own laundry each week so this gets tricky. Any alcohol we have must be locked up since we have a teen and our workshop with the power tools is required to be locked up. The workshop is an indoor room with a locking door, only us parents have a key.

Problem with my medications is I have to carry many of them with me in my purse in case I have a food allergy attack. There are five different medications for food allergies plus ibuprofen and a couple other meds I always travel with. I put a lock on my purse, but it was clumsy and only had one main compartment. Well, I found a new purse that has a dedicated "medication" pocket. I even have a smaller purse inside that pocket that holds just my food allergy medication. Granted, the green lock against the stylish black is not very becoming and actually got a laugh out of Junior when he saw it because he knows I carry my medications. I locked the zipper to the ring for the shoulder strap (which I removed). I thought it was brilliant, it is also a way to secure my purse while traveling.

With all these locks to protect Junior and to comply with the foster parenting regulations, we must be aware to not lock our hearts. We continue the bonding process and to show our affection for him. With the uncertainty of his case, there have been times that I have wanted to protect my heart should the judge decree we do not get to parent Junior. It is too late to protect my heart and soul, I have given my life for this child, I will shatter should he leave, but I know I will survive.

While we have locked up our cupboards, our rooms and my purse, our hearts have been splayed open waiting. Waiting to learn where our road leads - continued parenthood or more empty arms. Next Tuesday is a pivotal day in his case. Please pray for all of us involved that the best interest of Junior is considered.

Proud of Junior

Junior has made some major accomplishments this week. He received an award for good behavior in class. He is a good student and typically does not act up in class, but his behavior was recognized in a class where he lacks interest and does not complete class work. We were glad he has improved his attitude, not sure if it will translate into an improved grade. Then in math he completed 60 multiplication problems in 60 seconds. The school principal awarded all students who accomplished this task to lunch off campus. They walked to a local restaurant and the principal bought the kids lunch. Junior really enjoys math and it tends to come easy for him. It is still an honor to be recognized plus he got chicken strips for lunch!

He has also been doing some emotional growing this week and I am proud of him for being able to to handle the situations that he has faced. Foster children's lives are not your typical childhood and often they have to deal with more complex situations than their peers. While a part of me wishes to protect him, shield him from the complexities and uncertainties of his case, I realize he will have a more mature way of making decisions and an increased ability to deal with his emotions, something typically lacking in teenagers. To help him make sense of his life, we are working on his life book. A scrapbook with photos he has chosen that depict his life through the years and descriptions about who he is and the important people in his life. For the school section we listed the schools he has attended. One page lists his favorites - food, color, song, movie, etc. It has been amazing to observe Junior's emotional development over the last five months. Yes, it has been five months since we became a family and our lives changed forever.

We progress through his case, with all its uncertainties, waiting for the day when we find out if we get to be his forever parents. Then we incorporate both birth parents into our family along with all the other biological relatives. Our family just grows. We so love Junior!

The next several weeks are going to be intense in regards to his case, especially if we go to trial and it gets postponed. There is at least one meeting scheduled prior to trial where the open adoption agreement will be presented to the lawyers of each biological parent. Either parent can decide to relinquish parental rights or to go to termination trial. The open adoption agreement goes into affect after the adoption is finalized if one or both parents relinquish parental rights. If we go to trial and both parents' rights are terminated then there is no open adoption agreement, contact with bio parents is whatever we and Junior decide is best for Junior.

Bang Your Head and Scream

I know most moms have days where they want to bang their heads against a wall and scream because their children have not been so angelic. I have read plenty of Facebook posts about such children of my friends. Luckily, Junior is a very good teen and is not the one making me want to scream. Between stresses at work and frustrations with Junior's case, I want to bang my head against a brick wall!

We are having problems with background checks for our family members. I recently found out the background checks for my sisters were processed incorrectly so they cannot provide overnight care. Last month, my parents were to be cleared for overnight care, but only got cleared for children placed for adoption, not in foster care. Junior is a foster placement so how does any of this make sense? All background checks now have to be redone, but the state doesn't have the time to process them; luckily, we have a private agency competent enough to process the background checks needed. Currently, we are being expected to pay out of pocket for these background checks then we submit receipts for reimbursement. That is five people who need fingerprints.

All of this is added to the frustrations at work where I have one out of order copier/scanner and one copier/scanner that is intermittently scanning. I am attempting to scan 500 pages. We are waiting for the arrival of the new machines which are due this month.

I WANT TO BANG MY HEAD AND SCREAM!!!!!

December 14, 2012

Matthew 19:14 NIV
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

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December 14 has always been a time of celebration in our family - it is my birthday. This year was my 35th birthday. I was not dreading turning 35 nor did we have big plans since this weekend is filled with Christmas parties and the Nutcracker.

A few years ago, it marked the Chanukkah Storm here in Western Washington. Now it marks a day of heartbreak in our country, the day twenty families learned their precious children were killed due to violence. Having a child die tends to destroy a parent, but having a child murdered will tear several of these families apart. Many of these people will not be able to face the joy of Christmas ever again, because December will remind them of the tragic loss.

A friend stated we cannot help these children who have been welcomed by Christ. We can help children locally, nationally and globally who still suffer from abuse, hunger, poverty, homelessness, and disease through a number of organizations as a way to honor the twenty Newtown, Connecticut children. There are four distinct ways I currently help children - volunteer with the children at church, foster parenting, sponsor a child through Children International and support orphans through Embracing Orphans.

For now, I revel in Junior's laughter which has been quieted due to illness the last few days, but on December 14, he was laughing again making my heart overflow. He whistles and hums which can get annoying, but they are his sounds so I will be forever grateful he makes them. I enjoy the silliness of my 3 year niece who pranced around saying "Ho, ho, ho, Junior is not good" in a deep voice when Junior was sick. This was her answer when asked how he was feeling. Or that she has not been afraid to share her opinion since she could talk. These children are precious and only the Lord knows how long we will have them in our lives.

May we wrap our prayers around the grieving families in Newtown, Connecticut and hug our own children some more.
****************************************************************

Helpful Links:
Children's International: https://www.children.org/sponsor-ir-e?rs_id=2

Embracing Orphans: http://www.embracingorphans.org/

For information about fostering and adoption from foster care visit Adopt US Kids:
http://www.adoptuskids.org/for-families/who-can-foster-and-adopt

The United Methodist Church:  http://www.umc.org/

Shelton United Methodist Church: http://sheltonumc.net/

Yo Mom

It is difficult oftentimes to get a 13 year old boy to express his feelings or reveal the inner workings of his mind. This past week has been particularly busy plus I have not been feeling well. With multiple meetings at work, Junior's weekly schedule and the start of the holiday season, this weekend was Junior's 13th birthday party - a 2-day event. It began Friday with his school's social which I volunteered at then his first marimba performance downtown for Holiday Magic then a sleepover for his birthday. Saturday morning began early with another marimba performance, baking of his birthday cake and wrapping of presents, enjoying the local Christmas Parade, family dinner and celebration of Junior's birthday. Today was church and I attended a baby shower. 

Amongst all this busyness, Junior began introducing me as "Mom", not "Jocelyne, my mom" or "Jocelyne". Sometimes it has been, "Jocelyne, the lady I live with". Friday he introduced me to his friends as "Mom". Then today he caught me my heartstrings by surprise. We had leftover letter candies that I had used for decorating his birthday cake. In blue and green letters, Junior spelled out "YO MOM" against the brown tile of the kitchen counter. Two simple words that expressed so much love and trust and attachment. 

My greatest Christmas present that I dreamed of for so many years has come to, being Mom. I will treasure this always as every mother treasures the moment of when their child first says "mama". 

While this case is not determined yet and it will break my heart to lose Junior should the Judge grant custody to his birth mother, I will have the memory of the first time of being called "Mom".

Habakkuk 2:3 RSV
"For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end -- it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."

Psalm 39:7 NRS
"And now, O Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in you."

Daniel 2:21b-23a NIV
"...he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him. I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors; You have given me wisdom and power, you have made known to me what we asked of you..."

"YO MOM", forever imprinted on my heart!

I'll never stop...

I was looking for a birthday card for my soon to be 13 year old. Yes, I will be the mother of a teenager in a matter of weeks. Finding a birthday card for a son I have not raised from birth, who we are not related to by blood, was a little harder than I thought. This is Junior's first birthday with us and in our family 13 is very important. I found one that wishes him the best and that we will encourage him as he matures. Finding the right words for a relationship that is still forming is important when we are still working on basic trust. We will sign the card "Mom and Dad" even though Junior still calls us by our first names. He has much larger issues to deal with as a teen in foster care than what he calls his foster-adopt parents.

"Dear Son, I'll never stop wishing the world for you. I'll never stop worrying, caring, or trying to be a soft place to land in difficult times... I'll never stop seeing, believing, or trusting in the possibilities for you... And I'll never stop being proud of what a wonderful person you are."

Only through our actions can we teach Junior that we do love him and it is more than a phrase. Being involved in church, in his school activities, helping him navigate his social life and helping him deal with the circumstances of his time in foster care allow Junior to realize we are here for him. We will encourage him, discipline him, guide him, teach him and open up his world so he can have a better understanding of the world, other people and himself. Regardless of Junior learning that we love him and encourage him, I'll never stop wishing the world for him or worrying or caring. My 99 year old grandmother still worries about her children who are in their 70s and 50s. A mother (most mothers) will always have some amount of concern and pride in the doings of her children. Junior's birth mother cares for his well being and wants him happy. She and I parent differently, but we both love Junior. If we adopt, she will not stop loving him. If she parents Junior, we will not stop loving him. We also know his birth father loves him very much, and will not stop loving him. The card I found expresses a parent's love and hopes for their child:

"I'll never stop wishing the world for you. I'll never stop worrying, caring, or trying to be a soft place to land in difficult times... I'll never stop seeing, believing, or trusting in the possibilities for you... And I'll never stop being proud of what a wonderful person you are."

Whether we raise him for six months or eight years, we are all blessed to be a family and I'll never stop loving him. While we are unsure of the future, we are "living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace".

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

Pathway to Peace

We have been busy parenting and dealing with Junior's case. We have had school conferences, family photos, school fundraisers, Halloween, a court hearing, homework, doctor appointments and parental visits plus phone calls to relatives. With the day-to-day busyness I have forgotten my own appointments, even ones on my electronic calendar, that I decided one night to ask God for a clear head and peace. The serenity prayer came to mind and I found the full version. The first verse is well known, but the second verse resonated with me that night and still does, particularly the first three lines of the second verse, "Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace..." These words became my mantra right before this months hearing as we did not know what to expect. We are still moving towards termination, but there are changes to the case plan.

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

We are planning Junior's birthday party and so many things keep coming up the weekend of his party that we have to decide as a family what we can and cannot participate in because we cannot clone ourselves easily. Some of the events Mike and I were looking forward to because they are annual traditions for us and it was going to be Junior's first time experiencing them, but birthday parties are more important.

Besides the normal foster care issues, we had to help Junior deal with school bullies. It broke my heart. Both Mike and me had to deal with being picked on and bullied in school. You want to put a protective bubble around your child or chide the bully for their insecurity. Since it was happening at school and he informed his teachers, the teachers were obligated to deal with the situation and we helped him come up with scenarios for dealing with bullies. Junior thinks he can take on the world by himself, but we are working with him that sometimes you need to get adults involved such as when bullies don't stop picking on you. The bullies had found a small "flaw" in Junior's appearance to exploit. He chipped one of his front teeth years ago; most people do not even notice it, but these classmates had and whispered taunts during class so no other student nor the teacher could hear or even notice that anything was happening. Now his tooth has been repaired and his smile is complete, though it was not repaired for our family photos, but it did not prevent him from smiling. Junior has a wonderful smile and hopefully the classmates will not find something else to tease about him. Middle and junior high students can be very cruel. Our role as parents is to guide Junior to deal with difficult people, how to stand up for himself without violence and how to retain resources when necessary.

We continue to provide a safe and stable home for Junior. He expresses his joy at living with us and being a part of our family. We love him, we have bonded and we are looking forward to permanency.

"Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace..."

"Future Son"

We attended an apple pressing party today where we picked, washed, ground and pressed apples into cider on beautiful Anderson Island. The wind had a bite, but the sky remained dry most of the day and the temperature was just right for the hard work of grinding apples. I do not know how many gallons we made, but we had two grinders and presses going. Mike, Junior and I attended as guests of Megan's husband as it was his relatives who have been meeting annually for decades to make apple cider. It was a wonderful day and Junior had a terrific time and is looking forward to returning next year. The adults praised him for the hard work he put into helping with making the cider.

Since this was a family reunion and not everyone knew how everyone was related, there were introductions. Our introductions were, "Megan is married to Jeff and Jocelyne is Megan's sister. Jeff is so-so's son ...." Junior then added he was our "future son". He used this term several times today when talking to people. It is the first time I have heard him use the term; it is not a term we use when we introduce him to others and we do not use it at home. When I introduce Junior, I use his name or "my son". We are referred to as his mom and dad by just about every body even though he calls us by our first names. It has only been two months since we have formed a family, but Junior is now referring to himself as our "future son". Eventually it will be just son and we will be mom and dad. I do not expect to work on this transition until after his birth parents either relinquish or their rights are terminated. I just hope that with Junior using the term "future son" he is beginning to feel we are his permanent home, there will be no more moves, he is safe, secure, loved.

Maybe, just maybe, next year when we return to Anderson Island to help make cider, we can introduce Junior as "our son".

Parenthood Ponderings

We are moving into a more realistic pattern of life and out of the honeymoon stage. Junior has become comfortable enough with us to mildly challenge bed times or even lose his temper at school requiring a call home from the teacher. He is learning to take responsibility for his action. During all of this I keep thinking of Junior's birth parents and how they have made choices which led to them missing so many years of his life. I am working to develop a relationship with Junior's birth parents as they should still be connected to Junior, in whatever form that takes after the adoption.

We are working with Junior to help him understand how his early childhood is connected to living with us; there are connections missing, gaps in his understanding of how each phase is connected. Then we add puberty, teen hormones and the restructuring of the brain to complicate Junior's understanding. The kid has a lot going on so it is amazing he is doing so well. He is caring, can be considerate, is gentle, friendly, helpful, funny, curious and precious.

Many people have asked me how long it will be until we finalize the adoption. I expect it will be next September, maybe later before we get to finalize and make Junior our legal son. Regardless, he is our son, we are his parents. He may not call us Mom and Dad right now, but we are parents in every sense of the word. We make sure he attends school, we feed him, we take him to appointments, we take him to church, we are silly together, we discipline him, we fix his scraped knees, we get the calls from the school when he is disciplined, we receive the praise from others who tell us Junior is a great kid, and we rejoice in the wonderful being God has created we call Junior. Yes, I have a 3-inch binder with large quantities of information on Junior I have to maintain. Yes, we have month visits with caseworkers and with birth parents. Yes, we have to report Junior's happenings to his social worker. Yes, I have several forms I have to fill out each month. We knew this was required when we became foster parents. What we did not know was who our child was going to be. It has now been two months to the day (August 18) since Junior moved in; I will be forever grateful for the leap of faith we took when we said we would meet Junior on August 10. Even if finalization is nearly a year away, we are living as a family, enjoying our time together and helping Junior develop into a young man of faith, integrity and courage. I love our son!

Mom is Not Uncool

Junior and I are learning from each other. I have a wide variety of musical tastes and I tolerate most music. He was listening to his music the other day while working on his pepakura project and I was working on my computer - both of us in the living room. He was shocked I actually knew some of the songs and that I did not run screaming from the room. Granted you will not find me listening to his music on my for fun, but if he has it playing at a reasoning sound level, I will listen; it is not offensive.

Friday I volunteered at the middle school social. Most parents do not think spending 2.5 hours with kids high on sugar and listening to loud music is a fun afternoon. Most kids in 7th grade do not think it is fun to have their parent around at such an event. I worked in the snack booth where students could purchase as much candy, pizza and soda as they had money to spend so I was not around spying on Junior. I could see him occasionally dancing on the dance floor with the mob of kids or when he came through the snack line. Junior spent all his $7, but he bought candy to bring home to share with us adults (Mike, my sister and me) after dinner Friday night. The kid really enjoyed the social and even said he enjoyed having me there. For now at least I am not uncool so I will continue to volunteer where I am seen.

Pepakura and other common interests

Mike has been teaching Junior how to create a costume using pepakura. They each chose a character - Mike a Star Wars Storm Trooper and Junior a Halo Master Chief. Once the various parts are assembled in paper then Mike will cover the paper with fiberglass in his workshop. Junior has been working on assembling his paper parts - chest plate, upper arms, forearms, backpack. Mike assembled the helmet for Junior due to its complexity. They have enjoyed working on their costumes. Besides a fun project, Junior is learning spatial recognition - taking a 2-D image and constructing a 3-D model. When a mistake is made he has to problem solve as there is usually more than one way to correct the mistake.

Below is the Halo helmet in paper form.

It is exciting to see them find a common interest. They are also bike riding together now that Junior's bike has been repaired thanks to our pastor. Pastor Don repairs bicycles in his spare time, but he discovered his appointment to our church this summer does not allow for much spare time. Mike and Junior have continued to find things to do to spend time together which allows them to bond as father and son.

Bonding Continued

My husband has been trying to find something that could help him bond with Junior. Mike discovered a new hobby that Junior is interested in - Pepakura. Each of them has identified costume pieces that they printed out the pattern and are working on cutting out the shapes then glue the paper pieces together. Once the parts are assembled they will cover the model with a resin then paint them so the models act as a model. In the end they will have wearable costumes. Besides learning patience, precision, spacial recognition and problem solving skills, Junior is spending quality time with Mike.

We are forming a nice family. We are incorporating his biological family into our family. The number of people that love this young man is amazing and we are all truly blessed! I pray for him, his relatives and our parenting every night. The Lord brought us together to not just provide a home for Junior, but to enrich all our lives. We are to be in relation with each other to fulfill God's commandments.

Motherhood is unbelievable! My joy overfloweth!

Signs of Bonding

Matthew 5:3-16 New Revised Standard
"'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. You are the salt of the earth; but if salt has lost its taste, how can its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything, but is thrown out and trampled under foot. You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hid. No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven."
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There are small signs Junior is bonding with us. Last week he thanked me for a good meal and gave me a hug around the shoulders. Tonight, he actually hugged Mike and me before going to bed. That was his first sign of affection towards Mike since moving in with us.

I have been working on bonding - tousling his hair, listening to him talk about his interests and childhood memories, telling him "I love him" and not expecting affection back, back scratches, and bandaging scraped up knees after a fall at the park. We are spending time as a family - meals, games, movies, walks, day hikes, the park, church and drives around the county. I pray our actions are truly influencing Junior's actions and he is actually bonding with us and not just showing affection because he thinks that is what we want. It is important for a child to deeply feel love and to be wanted. We do want him and we do love him unconditionally, no strings attached. Could we actually be cracking the shell that so many foster kids develop?

He's talkative, but he does not talk about emotions or anything beyond the surface too often. Junior has expressed a few distant emotions from more than a year ago. To decipher feelings we have to read between the lines, the unspoken feelings. We need to crack the shell open without causing Junior to build an iron wall for defence.

We begin family counseling this week just to work on family dynamics because we, as a family, are a work in progress. Being a family of three is new to all of us so each of us - myself, Mike and Junior - have something to learn about these new dynamics. Our lives are no longer just husband and wife, our actions and thoughts have to consider Junior. Junior is learning how he fits into this new family dynamic. Mike and I are learning to interact with each other as parents as well as loving partners. Then life includes school, work, church, friends and extended family members plus DSHS/foster care. We have had two really good weeks, but Wednesday marks real life - Junior starts school and I return to work full time. Then we will see how our family dynamics really function.

With the start of school, Junior is going to face some reality regarding his case. Now that he is over age 12, Washington State law declares he is old enough to receive his case file even if he is not emotionally ready to handle the details. Now, his copy of his case file has more information in it than my copy as a foster parent. We are not permitted to review his copy before giving it to him since we are only foster parents, but have been advised by the Guardian Ad Litum (GAL) and Social Worker to have our counselor review the case file with Junior. I already claim this boy as "my son" and want to protect him as much as possible. I understand he is legally permitted to view this information, but wish I could be there to comfort him while he views it for the first time. I trust our counselor wholeheartedly and she will surround Junior with love, protection and prayer when it is time to review the case file. Just from the copy I am permitted to read, I would not want a 12 year to review it without us there, but we do not have that choice. If Junior chooses to speak about that particular counseling session with us afterwards, we are willing to listen, comfort and answer questions to the best of our ability. We do not know what this new knowledge will do to his understanding of his self-identity, his self-worth, to his school performance, to his behavior at home, etc. Please pray for Junior and us during the month of September as we deal with some major issues. However he deals with the knowledge, we are here to love and accept him just as he is, just as our heavenly Father extends grace to us all.

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Habakkuk 2:3 Revised Standard Version
"For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end -- it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."

Psalm 39:7 New Revised Standard
"And now, O Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in you."

Daniel 2:21b-23a New International Version
"...he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him. I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors; You have given me wisdom and power, you have made known to me what we asked of you..."

Settling In

Surprisingly, parenting seems to come naturally to us. As for myself, the transition has been good and natural. We moved "Junior" in on Saturday then had my sister and her 3 year old daughter over. My niece had been insistent we were getting a baby boy because all children arrive as babies according to her 3 year old mind. She was excited to meet her new cousin, but was surprised at how big he was - he's 12 years old and 5 foot 4 inches. My niece stood in front of him and stared up for awhile. She quickly warmed up to Junior when he played his clarinet so she could dance. Now every time she sees Junior she says, "That's my new cousin" with a big grin on her face.


He unpacked and got settled in his new bedroom. Saturday night we played a game of Monopoly in which Junior won fantastically.

Our 13 year old cat, Izzy who does not like strangers has quickly tolerated Junior. She will allow him to pet her and even pick her up. The first two nights, she would stare at his bedroom door after he went to sleep.

I introduced Junior to the church family Sunday morning and the church ladies gushed over him. Being an outgoing child, he was okay with the gushing. In the afternoon we walked through the neighborhood to my sister's house and played with my niece and watched a movie after Junior and Mike got the television rebooted from Saturday night's power outage. We also visited Ken from church and Junior got to climb his big tree.

Monday I spent calling caseworkers and making appointments. I made his first doctor appointment just to get a base line and a physical in case he chose to place sports this year. The child is going to have three caseworkers this year - two through DFCS (DSHS) and one through our private agency. He has a caseworker in his original county and he will have a courtesy caseworker locally who will do the monthly visits. We walked downtown and got Junior his library card; we have our priorities! We showed him the route from our house to the path down the hill then the street up to the library. We worked on basic House Rules and consequences for disobeying the rules. Junior had input on the rules on consequences. We must have worn him out because he slept more than 12 hours.

Tuesday I had to work for a couple hours in the field and Mike had a dental appointment. He took Junior with him to the dentist's office since it overlapped with my meeting. Then I dropped of the school registration paperwork - LOTS of paperwork. School orientation is Thursday morning. I am a mom of a 7th grader! The world of middle school will open up our world. We have most of his school supplies and need to get a few school clothes.

Today was a visit with one of the caseworkers and a visit to Junior's new doctor. Then we walked the Huff N' Puff Trail. We make sure our son gets plenty of physical activity. We are still working on finding kids for Junior to play with so he doesn't have to hang out with just us "old folk". School doesn't start until after Labor Day and the church youth group starts up again mid-September.

We have not even completed the first week!

Family Keeps Growing

We met a delightful young man this weekend and he will join our family next weekend. It was a joy meeting his biological family and his foster family and we welcome them as part of our extended family! While they will not see their family member as often as they are use to, we plan to stay connected because we are now family - this child connects us forever.
It was a whirlwind weekend meeting our son and spending time getting to know each other. We return later this week to spend more time with him and his family before we move him to our home. There is so much to do before the move - travel plans, clean out his room, stock groceries for a growing boy, contact the school for registration, find medical and dental providers, line up counseling (if we can arrange before the move), contact the church youth leader, make arrangements at work for my time off. We need to create a binder for him for all the DSHS forms that are required for a foster child. There are sooooooo many forms we have been provided and so much we have to track. I do not want to get lost in the paperwork; I want to enjoy our time with with our son. While it is a blessing to have this long awaited for placement, we still need to rely on the Lord for strength, discernment, wisdom and peace during the transition. It will not be easy for the young man to move from the only town and people he has known to a new town, new home, new family, new church, new school and new friends.
Patience will be needed during the bonding process. It may take a while (several months or more than a year) to really bond as a family, but God's hand will guide us and His love is stronger than our love. The scriptures I have relied on during the waiting and matching period still ring true during this transition.

It is amazing how God has blessed the union of our families (biological, foster, and foster-adopt) to provide for the needs of this wonderful young man. May the Lord's love reign over us all as we create a larger family through love of a child. "The greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

Habakkuk 2:3 RSV
"For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end -- it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."

Psalm 39:7 NRS
"And now, O Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in you."

Daniel 2:21b-23a NIV
"...he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him. I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors; You have given me wisdom and power, you have made known to me what we asked of you..."

It's a Boy!

Yes, we are meeting our son this weekend! We found out this morning about a young man needing a home and by noon we were asked to make a trip to visit this weekend. So tomorrow morning we drive several hours to meet him and his foster family. We will spend the weekend getting to know him and him getting to know us. Mike and I will return home Monday then go back to pick up our son Thursday evening to bring him home.


While we are excited, this is a major change for this young man and for the foster family he has been with since entering care. I pray his foster family will remain a resource after the transition and be a support to our son.

So many emotions and questions and thoughts are running through me right now. It may be a while before motherhood actually sinks in as reality.

With the Lord's help, we will become the family we all dream about.

Matching Process

We are in the unique matching process of trying to find our forever child. We have inquired on 16 youth so far, all age 10 to 17. One youth has been placed with his forever family. Another youth, we reviewed his file after talking with his caseworker and decided we were not a match. We are being considered for a third youth. There are many steps before we know if the youth's caseworker thinks we are a potential match then we have to review the disclosure file to decide if we want to continue forward.

Last weekend I read an article that some families have to inquire about 100 children/youth before they are matched. Others have had to inquire on 30 children/youth a month for several months until they are contacted about their match. While we have inquired about 16 and have eliminated two so far, waiting to find out more information about one, there are 13 others on our list that we are still waiting to hear about. This could be a long drawn out process as matching could take several months then we need to meet our child. Our caseworker is hoping to hear from the caseworkers of the other youth within the next two weeks, if we are going to hear from them.

Patience and prayers are still needed as we slowly work through this process.


Habakkuk 2:3 RSV
"For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."

Psalm 39:7 NRS
"And now, O Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in you."

Daniel 2:21b-23a NIV
"...he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him. I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors: You have given me wisdom and power, you have made known to me what we asked of you..."